My Journey- i was late teens..durning this one

My journey to Adult’hood, Has been pretty Easy/Hard, both in the same sence!
I have had it pretty easy growing up, my mom was the one who gave me everything and did everything for me. I used her to My advantage often, i would bother her for somthing till I got what I wanted.My step dad would give me money for lil deeds i would do for him. Rich we were Not, But I still manage to get just about Everything I wanted. I didnt have to do Much if anything, I was simi Spoiled.



During the coarse of my teenage years I realized something Going Wrong in my Young life, My Stepdad Had been touching me since I was about 6 or so and I didnt really think it was wrong but then again Most child molesters didnt make it alarming to the child that what is happening is Wrong.I start to notice the things I did for my dad (I called him Dad) never went unrewarded, I would be asked to do somthing in order to get somthing I wanted, if i wanted $20 bucks to catch a movie with a friend I would have to earn the money by Oraling pleasing him and when I was finished with my simple deed, i would get the money and hit the road, spend it carelessly.My mother never really knew what was going on with my dad and me till about the age of 12 he was arrested for somthing with money and he was deported to France,(where he’s from) and durning the time he was gone I notice I was missing somthing.. Missing something inside and I couldnt understand the feelings because I had been touch in a way I wasnt supoosed to be till I was Older.



Anyway so As I explored these Feeling’s I Met my Bestfriend, and she knew about what I was going threw her younger sister had been threw the same thing as me and warned me that it was wrong what my dad had been doing.. so I told my mom, who didnt Believe me Duh, who believes a Spoild Brat who just Gets everything she wants cause no one wants to hear her mouth. I tryed to tell my aunt neighbor I felt comfortable with her and she toldmy aunt who told my mom and THEN, we had a family meeting, My aunt my mom and Me the lier who no one wanted to hear from. At the time there was nothing we could do because he had already been deported and out of the country nothing but throw me in Theirpy (in which I did Benifit from – more later)



So in Theirpy I went at 12yrs old, i went threw about 3 counclers before Falling in love with my Patricia She was the Best a kid could get she did go out of her way in many ways for me I happen to be someone who Needed her! she was like a 2nd mother to me, She took me to School functions and talked to me about motherly things like sex cause at the time I had turned 13 and lost my Virginty to an 18yr old male and I was exploring thoes feelings the ones I lost when my dad went to jail. Patrica helped me threw many rough times I was 15/16 dating a guy in his early 20’s and sweet talked my Mother in to letting him Move in with us. Once he moved in a new game was being played he starting to rekindle feelings and emotions I was looking for alone with ones I didnt need to know about like Violence, He hit me and I hit back, we, together put holes in my mothers doors and walls. we made the neighbors yell to keep it down and cause destruction to my mothers home. Patrica walked me threw times when I needed to be in a Safe enviorment, I saw her once a week for 3 yrs we grew so Close she knew the sexual adventures I was going on, she knew the High school progress I was failing in, she knew the emotions I was having. She helped me when I needed a Mother. Since my mother wasnt being much of anything since Guy ( my dad) went to jail her friends turned in to Druggies and her Newest roomate was an Asshole (kenny). my Mother wasnt all there anymore..



Durning my years of theipry I went threw many Tests and i use the word Tests because Now i look back and see thats exzatly what they were. I used Sex to comfot me, I wrote to ease my mind when a guy I just had sex with left my house, Yes, I say My House, I never alowed myself to go to another guys house, I always just brought them home. my mom i guess didnt seem to notice the steady stream of males floating in my room and the lights turn out. I have been caught in the act 2 times, thats about it tho and yea they were diffrent guys.. I was in my own lil world of sex and writing about the time i just had and how horraiable i fel afterward, but did i Stop ??? Nope i just found a new guy to mess with.. I then found my Jiffy Lube dude,he was in to Pot and at first it was Only to be a One night stand thing but I was on my rag and couldnt afford to have sex with this new guy like that, Not comfortable so we arranged to have sex another time and kinda started a routine, he would pick me up after work we go to his house have sex watch TV and go to bed wake up and he would drop me off at home we did this for about 2 weeks when i finally for the First time thought I had Feelings for him and I told him and we stops hanging out.. for a few months I was lonely still I met Matt online threw a friend and I have been with matt ever since..—

Trapped in Two worlds- a bit of time has passed since this was written

Listening to music Alowing my to Express myself and debating on how I can proceed this Rough Draft of my Story of life and how I am Trapped!



Well the Begining would have to Start with My realtionship! I have a Beloved, whom Adores me. His name will be Matt, and this beloved of mine Happens to Give me The Best and the Worst of the realtionship world.. Is it enough to Stay you be the Judge and Let me know.. Help me Balance this challenge!



Matt has giving me the world of material, I Have the House I Dreamed of,I have the 4 Dogs and 2 ferrets who Give me Undivided attention, I have the car of my choice and gets me from A to B, I have my Own kitchen the way It should be.. a Big TV, Leather Couch’s just the perfect lil Home if your home is of materialistic items! Now the Down fall to this perfect lil House/Home, I am not alowed to Decorate, for I fail to have Matching Techique, I a not alowed to Use shoes in the house for I do not Clean it, I have many, many Rules for being the Almost Wife Title, I am not alowed to Do Much if anything, Tho My Matt wont Say your not Alowed in a verbal Sence but i Feel the Tention when I ask if I can do somthing..



There is No money for Extra things in my eyes but He assures i Need not worry about The bills.. it is being taken care of,i need not worry about cleaning it is already done, because I wouldnt have done it anyway. Dont worry I am supoosed to do, is Not Worry But when I get the Mail and Someing is LATE and I question about it, Its ok,, dont worry is all i tend to hear.. And I wonder what money is going to pay for this, we dont have the money for bills but yet he can afford to venture a walmart and spend over $100 in things we dont really need, but yet a bill is being taken care of and no money is visiable…



Matt does most the work around this house,He cleans and Yells at me for not cleaning, He feeds the dogs and i get yelled at for not feeding the dogs, he makes a Mess but I am Not alowed to make any mess for i Wont clean it up.. I dont make promises to myself no longer for the mere fact He will put me down and not alow me to Succeed in my Goal, with no help of his Voice, with no hugs and kisses from him, I feel Low to the Ground, useless and always a mess, I am lost and stuck in a cloud, of do I stay or do I go.. I have it better then I ever have. I have everything I need, I have perfection! How do I deal with The Good and remove the Bad.. do I remove the Man? Then how am i to Cope with bills and responsability? he manages it all, I wont have to Worry, If he is gone I will Panic, I panic just Thinking about it! Do I deal with the Touture of Yelling and Breaking Things for Pure Anger? I am the one who Cause the Anger to begin with, for not doing somthing he already has Done!



Expecting me to Clean a Mess already Cleaned up, Yelling at me to do somthing already Finsished.. Breaking a Glass because I told him No, I attempt to Break and All Hell Breaks Loose? How can I Fix the problem? I tryed and tryed to do what I could and Nothing Is Working! Wanting so much more then I asked for or that I have?



I want more but not of the things is he Providing, I want to be Loved and he loves me just not in a way i feel it. He loves me and takes me to dinner buys a movie and hugs me for the time. As the Night progress He fails to kiss me Goodnight before bed. At home we Sit and Rot, At home we do nothing but Fight, At home we hate the feeling we vent,, at home is the place we dont get along.. outside we strike a pose and fake it.. everything is Good and fine, Everything is Just Right.. And again on the way home the yelling starts and the fight begins..I dont know How much Longer I can Deal! I dont knwo how to Act anymore! I am Losing my Mind and somtimes I feel like my Mind is not Mine… He controls my life more like he Is My Life, Matt is the person Who I should be with for every, He looks after me and looks out for me, tells me when i am Wrong and lets me know when I need to Do somthing! He pays the bills and Makes things work, he fixes the house up for our liking.. He just dont know how to Work a realtionship..



So am Asking your What can/should I Do with the Worlds I am Stuck in.. So I change my self and Venture out with no Safety Net of comfort.. Or do I dwell in the world os him and alow myself to just Sink in and just Be? I dont know what i am Going to do or when I am going to make the transaction to the Next Step..