I stopped tonight, and I thought about my life!
My life right now, seems Perfect yet its so hard. To survive, Dealing with everyday life is Amazing! I see so many diffrent things that are great and yet I find all the bad things to overload the good. Freaking out in my shell debating my life and living it, i think about sucide everyday i wake up. At time I tell myself maybe i’ll just go back to sleep for a few more min, and find myself waking up in the middle of the day asking what happen? Scared of the rest of the day since its about to be boring with nothing planned for me. I hate days with nothing to do, cause all I do is Waste time, Time is to Valuable to just be Wasting.. Then I Hate thoes days when I am soo overloaded with errans to run and things to do. I get Stuck!
Durning the Days I think about Ending this Life, i sit and cry ‘cause I cant just end it like that. There’s to much to left to do, Even if I dont want to do it. I feel like sleeping everymin of everday at least then time will pass by and I wont have to worry about doing nothing.
Debating to keep my life is such a process always ending in no, just Keep it. I find you can always just do it Later like everything else. So whats going on in my head? I look inside to check things out, not much to see just a depressed young girl, struggling. Looking around my room I dont see anything I like about it.. then I think about which room I am in, Owning a 3 bedroom house with a living room and a dining room. all the rooms are mine, so I get up and head for a diffrent room, sit for a moment and debate if this is the room I want to be in.. Mostly I end up in the computer room. I find the computer has my life embedded in it somewhere. Writing eases my heart and thoughts.. I listen to the music and type my little life away.
Sometimes I think about all the people who Will read this, and wonder what they will say about it.. Dont know if I will care about it or not, but sometimes I Do.. and other times I dont.. killing myself is not a choice today, my Beloved mention to me that another hosptial stay is not in my future. Since my future is with him.. and he wont be able to handle it!.. Its kinda cold right now, maybe its the thoughts of my last hosptial stay? or maybe it just the heater is OFF… I am too into typing to get up and check the reality of my chilly’ness.
So tonight is a night I will be alive Be thankfull that, That is the Answer for tonight.. and it will only beable to Bring more writing’s to the Table!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
My Journey- i was late teens..durning this one
My journey to Adult’hood, Has been pretty Easy/Hard, both in the same sence!
I have had it pretty easy growing up, my mom was the one who gave me everything and did everything for me. I used her to My advantage often, i would bother her for somthing till I got what I wanted.My step dad would give me money for lil deeds i would do for him. Rich we were Not, But I still manage to get just about Everything I wanted. I didnt have to do Much if anything, I was simi Spoiled.
During the coarse of my teenage years I realized something Going Wrong in my Young life, My Stepdad Had been touching me since I was about 6 or so and I didnt really think it was wrong but then again Most child molesters didnt make it alarming to the child that what is happening is Wrong.I start to notice the things I did for my dad (I called him Dad) never went unrewarded, I would be asked to do somthing in order to get somthing I wanted, if i wanted $20 bucks to catch a movie with a friend I would have to earn the money by Oraling pleasing him and when I was finished with my simple deed, i would get the money and hit the road, spend it carelessly.My mother never really knew what was going on with my dad and me till about the age of 12 he was arrested for somthing with money and he was deported to France,(where he’s from) and durning the time he was gone I notice I was missing somthing.. Missing something inside and I couldnt understand the feelings because I had been touch in a way I wasnt supoosed to be till I was Older.
Anyway so As I explored these Feeling’s I Met my Bestfriend, and she knew about what I was going threw her younger sister had been threw the same thing as me and warned me that it was wrong what my dad had been doing.. so I told my mom, who didnt Believe me Duh, who believes a Spoild Brat who just Gets everything she wants cause no one wants to hear her mouth. I tryed to tell my aunt neighbor I felt comfortable with her and she toldmy aunt who told my mom and THEN, we had a family meeting, My aunt my mom and Me the lier who no one wanted to hear from. At the time there was nothing we could do because he had already been deported and out of the country nothing but throw me in Theirpy (in which I did Benifit from – more later)
So in Theirpy I went at 12yrs old, i went threw about 3 counclers before Falling in love with my Patricia She was the Best a kid could get she did go out of her way in many ways for me I happen to be someone who Needed her! she was like a 2nd mother to me, She took me to School functions and talked to me about motherly things like sex cause at the time I had turned 13 and lost my Virginty to an 18yr old male and I was exploring thoes feelings the ones I lost when my dad went to jail. Patrica helped me threw many rough times I was 15/16 dating a guy in his early 20’s and sweet talked my Mother in to letting him Move in with us. Once he moved in a new game was being played he starting to rekindle feelings and emotions I was looking for alone with ones I didnt need to know about like Violence, He hit me and I hit back, we, together put holes in my mothers doors and walls. we made the neighbors yell to keep it down and cause destruction to my mothers home. Patrica walked me threw times when I needed to be in a Safe enviorment, I saw her once a week for 3 yrs we grew so Close she knew the sexual adventures I was going on, she knew the High school progress I was failing in, she knew the emotions I was having. She helped me when I needed a Mother. Since my mother wasnt being much of anything since Guy ( my dad) went to jail her friends turned in to Druggies and her Newest roomate was an Asshole (kenny). my Mother wasnt all there anymore..
Durning my years of theipry I went threw many Tests and i use the word Tests because Now i look back and see thats exzatly what they were. I used Sex to comfot me, I wrote to ease my mind when a guy I just had sex with left my house, Yes, I say My House, I never alowed myself to go to another guys house, I always just brought them home. my mom i guess didnt seem to notice the steady stream of males floating in my room and the lights turn out. I have been caught in the act 2 times, thats about it tho and yea they were diffrent guys.. I was in my own lil world of sex and writing about the time i just had and how horraiable i fel afterward, but did i Stop ??? Nope i just found a new guy to mess with.. I then found my Jiffy Lube dude,he was in to Pot and at first it was Only to be a One night stand thing but I was on my rag and couldnt afford to have sex with this new guy like that, Not comfortable so we arranged to have sex another time and kinda started a routine, he would pick me up after work we go to his house have sex watch TV and go to bed wake up and he would drop me off at home we did this for about 2 weeks when i finally for the First time thought I had Feelings for him and I told him and we stops hanging out.. for a few months I was lonely still I met Matt online threw a friend and I have been with matt ever since..—
I have had it pretty easy growing up, my mom was the one who gave me everything and did everything for me. I used her to My advantage often, i would bother her for somthing till I got what I wanted.My step dad would give me money for lil deeds i would do for him. Rich we were Not, But I still manage to get just about Everything I wanted. I didnt have to do Much if anything, I was simi Spoiled.
During the coarse of my teenage years I realized something Going Wrong in my Young life, My Stepdad Had been touching me since I was about 6 or so and I didnt really think it was wrong but then again Most child molesters didnt make it alarming to the child that what is happening is Wrong.I start to notice the things I did for my dad (I called him Dad) never went unrewarded, I would be asked to do somthing in order to get somthing I wanted, if i wanted $20 bucks to catch a movie with a friend I would have to earn the money by Oraling pleasing him and when I was finished with my simple deed, i would get the money and hit the road, spend it carelessly.My mother never really knew what was going on with my dad and me till about the age of 12 he was arrested for somthing with money and he was deported to France,(where he’s from) and durning the time he was gone I notice I was missing somthing.. Missing something inside and I couldnt understand the feelings because I had been touch in a way I wasnt supoosed to be till I was Older.
Anyway so As I explored these Feeling’s I Met my Bestfriend, and she knew about what I was going threw her younger sister had been threw the same thing as me and warned me that it was wrong what my dad had been doing.. so I told my mom, who didnt Believe me Duh, who believes a Spoild Brat who just Gets everything she wants cause no one wants to hear her mouth. I tryed to tell my aunt neighbor I felt comfortable with her and she toldmy aunt who told my mom and THEN, we had a family meeting, My aunt my mom and Me the lier who no one wanted to hear from. At the time there was nothing we could do because he had already been deported and out of the country nothing but throw me in Theirpy (in which I did Benifit from – more later)
So in Theirpy I went at 12yrs old, i went threw about 3 counclers before Falling in love with my Patricia She was the Best a kid could get she did go out of her way in many ways for me I happen to be someone who Needed her! she was like a 2nd mother to me, She took me to School functions and talked to me about motherly things like sex cause at the time I had turned 13 and lost my Virginty to an 18yr old male and I was exploring thoes feelings the ones I lost when my dad went to jail. Patrica helped me threw many rough times I was 15/16 dating a guy in his early 20’s and sweet talked my Mother in to letting him Move in with us. Once he moved in a new game was being played he starting to rekindle feelings and emotions I was looking for alone with ones I didnt need to know about like Violence, He hit me and I hit back, we, together put holes in my mothers doors and walls. we made the neighbors yell to keep it down and cause destruction to my mothers home. Patrica walked me threw times when I needed to be in a Safe enviorment, I saw her once a week for 3 yrs we grew so Close she knew the sexual adventures I was going on, she knew the High school progress I was failing in, she knew the emotions I was having. She helped me when I needed a Mother. Since my mother wasnt being much of anything since Guy ( my dad) went to jail her friends turned in to Druggies and her Newest roomate was an Asshole (kenny). my Mother wasnt all there anymore..
Durning my years of theipry I went threw many Tests and i use the word Tests because Now i look back and see thats exzatly what they were. I used Sex to comfot me, I wrote to ease my mind when a guy I just had sex with left my house, Yes, I say My House, I never alowed myself to go to another guys house, I always just brought them home. my mom i guess didnt seem to notice the steady stream of males floating in my room and the lights turn out. I have been caught in the act 2 times, thats about it tho and yea they were diffrent guys.. I was in my own lil world of sex and writing about the time i just had and how horraiable i fel afterward, but did i Stop ??? Nope i just found a new guy to mess with.. I then found my Jiffy Lube dude,he was in to Pot and at first it was Only to be a One night stand thing but I was on my rag and couldnt afford to have sex with this new guy like that, Not comfortable so we arranged to have sex another time and kinda started a routine, he would pick me up after work we go to his house have sex watch TV and go to bed wake up and he would drop me off at home we did this for about 2 weeks when i finally for the First time thought I had Feelings for him and I told him and we stops hanging out.. for a few months I was lonely still I met Matt online threw a friend and I have been with matt ever since..—
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