Dear Bastard,
I made it to 21,working on 22 this year.I bet you didnt think I would get this far. I have a lot to show right now, and if you could see me now.What you did to me in the past, you know ruining my Childhood slowed me down entering my mid teen’s,But growing up now i can see what you did and its Not My Fault. You had a Problem with Little Girls, and i am Sure you did the same to your Daughter and she may have came threw it just like I did.
Looking back on thoes days when I would help you out with your problem. I didnt see, I didnt see the Bad Side of things. I never thought it was Bad until someone Open my eyes and showed me, what was happening. You stole my innocence, Something that i could never get back.. You de’flowered a Little girl.. You managed to Turn me in to a Slut durning my tween’s (before teenage years) After you started you bad Habits with me, you unlocked a door which should have never been unlocked till Much much older. Since the Door was left wide open when you were arrested for Other reason besides mine, I craved the feeling you used to bring to me. I began to Search for thoes feeling you left me without, I went threw guys like water. Some i left hanging in the wind while others Ripped my heart, a few I held together, And now One I have been with since before my 18th Brithday..
Running around in my prior years never left me with a child stuck in the rain, it didnt teach me how to hurt others,I never did anything to say otherwise. I had a rought teenage years but I managed, living with my mother was a lil uneasy since she didnt try to Protect me until it was to late. I didnt know what to do when I talked to her about issues I had. I wouldn’t talk to my mom much because of you, Everything you did to me i never told her cause of the time I tryed,(I am sure you remember) it was on the Boat in San Diego, i wrote in my lil diary what i was doing and with who i was doing it with (you), I wrote my feelings even at 7 or 8, i felt something Off and not right.. you found the diary and showed it to my mom.. She was soo Mad and you both started yelling about it, she threw it in to the ocean, while you ripped her shirt and I had to hop out of the hatch to jump on the dock to get Help.. i remember the police comming out and you got taken away for domestic violence or somthing simliar. You returned soon enough and took place right where you left off.. Sorry got side-tracked,Since then I didnt talk to mom about anything in fear she would just be angry with me and not believe me..
Nice work Dad, I dont even know why I call you dad, you are not my dad, no where near my sperm donor but yet I grew up with you, you helped me when I scraped my knee. I know who my father is, and he is Not you My father may have not been around like you but He would have NEVER done the things you did to me.. and if you too ever met I am Sure he would have no problem Hurting you like you Hurt me over and over again..
looking around me now, I notice you affected my life in so many ways. You taught me to be un-loving, you taught me to be Angry, you taught me how to hurt, and how to push away and remove feeling from some one I care about.. You taught me a world of living life un-grateful. Teaching me these things affect me. at 21 I have no family (working on it) at 21 I have no job,(cant seem to keep one due to the emotional stress you helped me earn) at 21 I freak out in public places in fear I could see your face at any time, I know the police told me you were banned from USA for 7 yrs and well Now thoes 7yrs are up. I am thankfull you dont know where I live, and you dont know anything about me now.. I just wanted to tell you .. you broke me when I was young but you wont ever break me now!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
My abortion.. written along time ago
Febuary 8th 2004 was the day it happen.. My mother,my friend,my Boyfriend and myself Got in the car, and headed toward the clinic to have this pregnancy taken care of..
I found out I was pregnant the last weeks of January. I noticed I was peeing more then usual, a little uncommon for me. I thought maybe a bladder problem, so I made the apointment to see the doctor. Walked in no problem, no worries. After I pee’ed in the lil cup and gave it to him, he walked in to the lab area and came back with some news. He asked me if i had been drinking a lot of water lately, I answered yes, odd question to ask. He then gave me a look.. and said, Well your pregnant Are you keeping or termaniating? I was in Shock and gave my answe, gimme both numbers.. walked out of the office and went home.. Soon as I enter my bedroom My boyfriend Matt asked, so what happen? And I gave him a look First words out of his mouth were “we’re not keeping it” of course I cryed not knowing what to do or anything..
I gave it a few days to sink in, and i called my Best friend who helped me make an apointment with a Baby Doctor. I asked matt if he wanted to go with me and since I wasnt driving myself he refused to go. my friend and I walked in to the office and waited my turn.. They called my name, we walked in the room and I had to remove some clothes for the ultrasound.. There i was in the Office with my best friend and the doctor, she turned the monitor to me and showed me the lil bubble my baby lived in.. she didnt turn on the heartbeat sound because i put on my apointment card i was thinking abortion, its a law or somthing they dont let you hear the heart beat so that you dont change your mind or somthing like that.. but she showed me the little flicker and told me that it was the heart.. I couldnt tell anything since it was soo tiny, it didnt look liek a baby or anything just a small blinking dot.. the doctor told me it was about 6 weeks or so.. Again I cryed. When I went home I was Mad at Matt for not going with me, and I didnt talk to him for a few hours.. the next morning i was still mad that he just had no feelings for it and just had no 2nd thoughts..
Mad at Matt i asked again what would happen if I did keep it.. He told me right out that he would leave me and go back to Boston, He didnt want another child right now.. So i took that information and Cryed, I then told him Fine, in a rude tone.. I told him then i am just going to call the kill my baby hotline.. and just get it done with so no one has to worry about it no more..
Finally got the nerve to talk to my mom and family about what I was planing on doing, some were mad and sad.. other were aggreeing.. I called the number made the apointment and waited till the day was here..
The day of the apointment i made matt get in the car and had my other friend go too.. my mom drove since I would not be able to drive myself, it took about 45 min to get to the clinic, we parked and all of us walked in sat down and waited my turn…
The waiting room was filled, so i knew i wasnt the only one who made this kind of decision..it was a quite office the people there looked sad and a lil scared…My name was called…
I got up and looked at Matt Dead in the eye and wispered , This is what you wanted. Dont know if he heard me. i walked threw the door and was told to sit down and fill out a paper.. all it said was ‘this is my choice and no one put me up to it’ I felt like throwing the paper and yelling but its not my choice its his.. but i was there and i was in the room so i had to agreed somewhere.. i did was i was told and was walked in another room where there were like 4 girls in there all with a bandaid on there arm, then it was my turn again. This time it was for Blood and to pee in a cup again.. dont ask why cuz i dont know.. the nurse then walked me in to a locker room area with closets and told me to put my stuff in one of them.Went back in the room with the other girls and a few were talking about why they were getting it done…one girl was ona soccer team and couldnt risk gaining weight and runing her game plan.. another was in her late 30’s and she was a drug user so she didnt want to have a child under drugs not to mention it was like her 2nd or 3rd abortion. the other girls didnt really wanna talk about it..
One by one the girls name were called, finally my name came up I was the last of the bunch.. I walked with the nurse to the abortion room, i laid on the table they moved my legs exposing EVERYTHING, i felt uncomfortable the nurse put a needle in my hand and asked if i was ok.. i lied and siad yeah.. i saw the Male doctor walk in and I was about to YEll and Stop this whole thing but by the time i open my mouth.. i was knocked out sleep , the next thing i saw was myself laying on a bed in a room with all of the other girls i was in the one room with before.. all of the same girls.. i felt a lil pain but not much the nurse told all of us to just rest a little bit and then we would be ok to get up and get dressed.. That was it.. its over .. i didnt even feel anything.. and its done.. i am no longer with child.. i was a little woosy and wobbly when i left the office with my family and went home.. i slept Nice the rest of that day.. the next day it felt like a dream and that i was never pregnant.. everything was the same nothing changed..
To this day i wonder what i would be like if i didnt abort..And what Pisses me off to NO end.. Matt Told me (dont know exactly when) but He Told me.. if you would have walked out of the office with a changed mind.. he would have Stayed anyway Even tho he told me he wouldnt.. And Still tothis day i am With matt.. its going on 5 yrs this thanksgiving and we are together, still having sex with no protection Yet we havent had another pregnancy Since….
---*** UPDATE ***----- I am currently prego 11weeks.. 8/17/2010
I found out I was pregnant the last weeks of January. I noticed I was peeing more then usual, a little uncommon for me. I thought maybe a bladder problem, so I made the apointment to see the doctor. Walked in no problem, no worries. After I pee’ed in the lil cup and gave it to him, he walked in to the lab area and came back with some news. He asked me if i had been drinking a lot of water lately, I answered yes, odd question to ask. He then gave me a look.. and said, Well your pregnant Are you keeping or termaniating? I was in Shock and gave my answe, gimme both numbers.. walked out of the office and went home.. Soon as I enter my bedroom My boyfriend Matt asked, so what happen? And I gave him a look First words out of his mouth were “we’re not keeping it” of course I cryed not knowing what to do or anything..
I gave it a few days to sink in, and i called my Best friend who helped me make an apointment with a Baby Doctor. I asked matt if he wanted to go with me and since I wasnt driving myself he refused to go. my friend and I walked in to the office and waited my turn.. They called my name, we walked in the room and I had to remove some clothes for the ultrasound.. There i was in the Office with my best friend and the doctor, she turned the monitor to me and showed me the lil bubble my baby lived in.. she didnt turn on the heartbeat sound because i put on my apointment card i was thinking abortion, its a law or somthing they dont let you hear the heart beat so that you dont change your mind or somthing like that.. but she showed me the little flicker and told me that it was the heart.. I couldnt tell anything since it was soo tiny, it didnt look liek a baby or anything just a small blinking dot.. the doctor told me it was about 6 weeks or so.. Again I cryed. When I went home I was Mad at Matt for not going with me, and I didnt talk to him for a few hours.. the next morning i was still mad that he just had no feelings for it and just had no 2nd thoughts..
Mad at Matt i asked again what would happen if I did keep it.. He told me right out that he would leave me and go back to Boston, He didnt want another child right now.. So i took that information and Cryed, I then told him Fine, in a rude tone.. I told him then i am just going to call the kill my baby hotline.. and just get it done with so no one has to worry about it no more..
Finally got the nerve to talk to my mom and family about what I was planing on doing, some were mad and sad.. other were aggreeing.. I called the number made the apointment and waited till the day was here..
The day of the apointment i made matt get in the car and had my other friend go too.. my mom drove since I would not be able to drive myself, it took about 45 min to get to the clinic, we parked and all of us walked in sat down and waited my turn…
The waiting room was filled, so i knew i wasnt the only one who made this kind of decision..it was a quite office the people there looked sad and a lil scared…My name was called…
I got up and looked at Matt Dead in the eye and wispered , This is what you wanted. Dont know if he heard me. i walked threw the door and was told to sit down and fill out a paper.. all it said was ‘this is my choice and no one put me up to it’ I felt like throwing the paper and yelling but its not my choice its his.. but i was there and i was in the room so i had to agreed somewhere.. i did was i was told and was walked in another room where there were like 4 girls in there all with a bandaid on there arm, then it was my turn again. This time it was for Blood and to pee in a cup again.. dont ask why cuz i dont know.. the nurse then walked me in to a locker room area with closets and told me to put my stuff in one of them.Went back in the room with the other girls and a few were talking about why they were getting it done…one girl was ona soccer team and couldnt risk gaining weight and runing her game plan.. another was in her late 30’s and she was a drug user so she didnt want to have a child under drugs not to mention it was like her 2nd or 3rd abortion. the other girls didnt really wanna talk about it..
One by one the girls name were called, finally my name came up I was the last of the bunch.. I walked with the nurse to the abortion room, i laid on the table they moved my legs exposing EVERYTHING, i felt uncomfortable the nurse put a needle in my hand and asked if i was ok.. i lied and siad yeah.. i saw the Male doctor walk in and I was about to YEll and Stop this whole thing but by the time i open my mouth.. i was knocked out sleep , the next thing i saw was myself laying on a bed in a room with all of the other girls i was in the one room with before.. all of the same girls.. i felt a lil pain but not much the nurse told all of us to just rest a little bit and then we would be ok to get up and get dressed.. That was it.. its over .. i didnt even feel anything.. and its done.. i am no longer with child.. i was a little woosy and wobbly when i left the office with my family and went home.. i slept Nice the rest of that day.. the next day it felt like a dream and that i was never pregnant.. everything was the same nothing changed..
To this day i wonder what i would be like if i didnt abort..And what Pisses me off to NO end.. Matt Told me (dont know exactly when) but He Told me.. if you would have walked out of the office with a changed mind.. he would have Stayed anyway Even tho he told me he wouldnt.. And Still tothis day i am With matt.. its going on 5 yrs this thanksgiving and we are together, still having sex with no protection Yet we havent had another pregnancy Since….
---*** UPDATE ***----- I am currently prego 11weeks.. 8/17/2010
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