learning about life.. 19-20yrs

I stopped tonight, and I thought about my life!
My life right now, seems Perfect yet its so hard. To survive, Dealing with everyday life is Amazing! I see so many diffrent things that are great and yet I find all the bad things to overload the good. Freaking out in my shell debating my life and living it, i think about sucide everyday i wake up. At time I tell myself maybe i’ll just go back to sleep for a few more min, and find myself waking up in the middle of the day asking what happen? Scared of the rest of the day since its about to be boring with nothing planned for me. I hate days with nothing to do, cause all I do is Waste time, Time is to Valuable to just be Wasting.. Then I Hate thoes days when I am soo overloaded with errans to run and things to do. I get Stuck!



Durning the Days I think about Ending this Life, i sit and cry ‘cause I cant just end it like that. There’s to much to left to do, Even if I dont want to do it. I feel like sleeping everymin of everday at least then time will pass by and I wont have to worry about doing nothing.



Debating to keep my life is such a process always ending in no, just Keep it. I find you can always just do it Later like everything else. So whats going on in my head? I look inside to check things out, not much to see just a depressed young girl, struggling. Looking around my room I dont see anything I like about it.. then I think about which room I am in, Owning a 3 bedroom house with a living room and a dining room. all the rooms are mine, so I get up and head for a diffrent room, sit for a moment and debate if this is the room I want to be in.. Mostly I end up in the computer room. I find the computer has my life embedded in it somewhere. Writing eases my heart and thoughts.. I listen to the music and type my little life away.



Sometimes I think about all the people who Will read this, and wonder what they will say about it.. Dont know if I will care about it or not, but sometimes I Do.. and other times I dont.. killing myself is not a choice today, my Beloved mention to me that another hosptial stay is not in my future. Since my future is with him.. and he wont be able to handle it!.. Its kinda cold right now, maybe its the thoughts of my last hosptial stay? or maybe it just the heater is OFF… I am too into typing to get up and check the reality of my chilly’ness.



So tonight is a night I will be alive Be thankfull that, That is the Answer for tonight.. and it will only beable to Bring more writing’s to the Table!