Dear Bastard,
I made it to 21,working on 22 this year.I bet you didnt think I would get this far. I have a lot to show right now, and if you could see me now.What you did to me in the past, you know ruining my Childhood slowed me down entering my mid teen’s,But growing up now i can see what you did and its Not My Fault. You had a Problem with Little Girls, and i am Sure you did the same to your Daughter and she may have came threw it just like I did.
Looking back on thoes days when I would help you out with your problem. I didnt see, I didnt see the Bad Side of things. I never thought it was Bad until someone Open my eyes and showed me, what was happening. You stole my innocence, Something that i could never get back.. You de’flowered a Little girl.. You managed to Turn me in to a Slut durning my tween’s (before teenage years) After you started you bad Habits with me, you unlocked a door which should have never been unlocked till Much much older. Since the Door was left wide open when you were arrested for Other reason besides mine, I craved the feeling you used to bring to me. I began to Search for thoes feeling you left me without, I went threw guys like water. Some i left hanging in the wind while others Ripped my heart, a few I held together, And now One I have been with since before my 18th Brithday..
Running around in my prior years never left me with a child stuck in the rain, it didnt teach me how to hurt others,I never did anything to say otherwise. I had a rought teenage years but I managed, living with my mother was a lil uneasy since she didnt try to Protect me until it was to late. I didnt know what to do when I talked to her about issues I had. I wouldn’t talk to my mom much because of you, Everything you did to me i never told her cause of the time I tryed,(I am sure you remember) it was on the Boat in San Diego, i wrote in my lil diary what i was doing and with who i was doing it with (you), I wrote my feelings even at 7 or 8, i felt something Off and not right.. you found the diary and showed it to my mom.. She was soo Mad and you both started yelling about it, she threw it in to the ocean, while you ripped her shirt and I had to hop out of the hatch to jump on the dock to get Help.. i remember the police comming out and you got taken away for domestic violence or somthing simliar. You returned soon enough and took place right where you left off.. Sorry got side-tracked,Since then I didnt talk to mom about anything in fear she would just be angry with me and not believe me..
Nice work Dad, I dont even know why I call you dad, you are not my dad, no where near my sperm donor but yet I grew up with you, you helped me when I scraped my knee. I know who my father is, and he is Not you My father may have not been around like you but He would have NEVER done the things you did to me.. and if you too ever met I am Sure he would have no problem Hurting you like you Hurt me over and over again..
looking around me now, I notice you affected my life in so many ways. You taught me to be un-loving, you taught me to be Angry, you taught me how to hurt, and how to push away and remove feeling from some one I care about.. You taught me a world of living life un-grateful. Teaching me these things affect me. at 21 I have no family (working on it) at 21 I have no job,(cant seem to keep one due to the emotional stress you helped me earn) at 21 I freak out in public places in fear I could see your face at any time, I know the police told me you were banned from USA for 7 yrs and well Now thoes 7yrs are up. I am thankfull you dont know where I live, and you dont know anything about me now.. I just wanted to tell you .. you broke me when I was young but you wont ever break me now!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
My abortion.. written along time ago
Febuary 8th 2004 was the day it happen.. My mother,my friend,my Boyfriend and myself Got in the car, and headed toward the clinic to have this pregnancy taken care of..
I found out I was pregnant the last weeks of January. I noticed I was peeing more then usual, a little uncommon for me. I thought maybe a bladder problem, so I made the apointment to see the doctor. Walked in no problem, no worries. After I pee’ed in the lil cup and gave it to him, he walked in to the lab area and came back with some news. He asked me if i had been drinking a lot of water lately, I answered yes, odd question to ask. He then gave me a look.. and said, Well your pregnant Are you keeping or termaniating? I was in Shock and gave my answe, gimme both numbers.. walked out of the office and went home.. Soon as I enter my bedroom My boyfriend Matt asked, so what happen? And I gave him a look First words out of his mouth were “we’re not keeping it” of course I cryed not knowing what to do or anything..
I gave it a few days to sink in, and i called my Best friend who helped me make an apointment with a Baby Doctor. I asked matt if he wanted to go with me and since I wasnt driving myself he refused to go. my friend and I walked in to the office and waited my turn.. They called my name, we walked in the room and I had to remove some clothes for the ultrasound.. There i was in the Office with my best friend and the doctor, she turned the monitor to me and showed me the lil bubble my baby lived in.. she didnt turn on the heartbeat sound because i put on my apointment card i was thinking abortion, its a law or somthing they dont let you hear the heart beat so that you dont change your mind or somthing like that.. but she showed me the little flicker and told me that it was the heart.. I couldnt tell anything since it was soo tiny, it didnt look liek a baby or anything just a small blinking dot.. the doctor told me it was about 6 weeks or so.. Again I cryed. When I went home I was Mad at Matt for not going with me, and I didnt talk to him for a few hours.. the next morning i was still mad that he just had no feelings for it and just had no 2nd thoughts..
Mad at Matt i asked again what would happen if I did keep it.. He told me right out that he would leave me and go back to Boston, He didnt want another child right now.. So i took that information and Cryed, I then told him Fine, in a rude tone.. I told him then i am just going to call the kill my baby hotline.. and just get it done with so no one has to worry about it no more..
Finally got the nerve to talk to my mom and family about what I was planing on doing, some were mad and sad.. other were aggreeing.. I called the number made the apointment and waited till the day was here..
The day of the apointment i made matt get in the car and had my other friend go too.. my mom drove since I would not be able to drive myself, it took about 45 min to get to the clinic, we parked and all of us walked in sat down and waited my turn…
The waiting room was filled, so i knew i wasnt the only one who made this kind of decision..it was a quite office the people there looked sad and a lil scared…My name was called…
I got up and looked at Matt Dead in the eye and wispered , This is what you wanted. Dont know if he heard me. i walked threw the door and was told to sit down and fill out a paper.. all it said was ‘this is my choice and no one put me up to it’ I felt like throwing the paper and yelling but its not my choice its his.. but i was there and i was in the room so i had to agreed somewhere.. i did was i was told and was walked in another room where there were like 4 girls in there all with a bandaid on there arm, then it was my turn again. This time it was for Blood and to pee in a cup again.. dont ask why cuz i dont know.. the nurse then walked me in to a locker room area with closets and told me to put my stuff in one of them.Went back in the room with the other girls and a few were talking about why they were getting it done…one girl was ona soccer team and couldnt risk gaining weight and runing her game plan.. another was in her late 30’s and she was a drug user so she didnt want to have a child under drugs not to mention it was like her 2nd or 3rd abortion. the other girls didnt really wanna talk about it..
One by one the girls name were called, finally my name came up I was the last of the bunch.. I walked with the nurse to the abortion room, i laid on the table they moved my legs exposing EVERYTHING, i felt uncomfortable the nurse put a needle in my hand and asked if i was ok.. i lied and siad yeah.. i saw the Male doctor walk in and I was about to YEll and Stop this whole thing but by the time i open my mouth.. i was knocked out sleep , the next thing i saw was myself laying on a bed in a room with all of the other girls i was in the one room with before.. all of the same girls.. i felt a lil pain but not much the nurse told all of us to just rest a little bit and then we would be ok to get up and get dressed.. That was it.. its over .. i didnt even feel anything.. and its done.. i am no longer with child.. i was a little woosy and wobbly when i left the office with my family and went home.. i slept Nice the rest of that day.. the next day it felt like a dream and that i was never pregnant.. everything was the same nothing changed..
To this day i wonder what i would be like if i didnt abort..And what Pisses me off to NO end.. Matt Told me (dont know exactly when) but He Told me.. if you would have walked out of the office with a changed mind.. he would have Stayed anyway Even tho he told me he wouldnt.. And Still tothis day i am With matt.. its going on 5 yrs this thanksgiving and we are together, still having sex with no protection Yet we havent had another pregnancy Since….
---*** UPDATE ***----- I am currently prego 11weeks.. 8/17/2010
I found out I was pregnant the last weeks of January. I noticed I was peeing more then usual, a little uncommon for me. I thought maybe a bladder problem, so I made the apointment to see the doctor. Walked in no problem, no worries. After I pee’ed in the lil cup and gave it to him, he walked in to the lab area and came back with some news. He asked me if i had been drinking a lot of water lately, I answered yes, odd question to ask. He then gave me a look.. and said, Well your pregnant Are you keeping or termaniating? I was in Shock and gave my answe, gimme both numbers.. walked out of the office and went home.. Soon as I enter my bedroom My boyfriend Matt asked, so what happen? And I gave him a look First words out of his mouth were “we’re not keeping it” of course I cryed not knowing what to do or anything..
I gave it a few days to sink in, and i called my Best friend who helped me make an apointment with a Baby Doctor. I asked matt if he wanted to go with me and since I wasnt driving myself he refused to go. my friend and I walked in to the office and waited my turn.. They called my name, we walked in the room and I had to remove some clothes for the ultrasound.. There i was in the Office with my best friend and the doctor, she turned the monitor to me and showed me the lil bubble my baby lived in.. she didnt turn on the heartbeat sound because i put on my apointment card i was thinking abortion, its a law or somthing they dont let you hear the heart beat so that you dont change your mind or somthing like that.. but she showed me the little flicker and told me that it was the heart.. I couldnt tell anything since it was soo tiny, it didnt look liek a baby or anything just a small blinking dot.. the doctor told me it was about 6 weeks or so.. Again I cryed. When I went home I was Mad at Matt for not going with me, and I didnt talk to him for a few hours.. the next morning i was still mad that he just had no feelings for it and just had no 2nd thoughts..
Mad at Matt i asked again what would happen if I did keep it.. He told me right out that he would leave me and go back to Boston, He didnt want another child right now.. So i took that information and Cryed, I then told him Fine, in a rude tone.. I told him then i am just going to call the kill my baby hotline.. and just get it done with so no one has to worry about it no more..
Finally got the nerve to talk to my mom and family about what I was planing on doing, some were mad and sad.. other were aggreeing.. I called the number made the apointment and waited till the day was here..
The day of the apointment i made matt get in the car and had my other friend go too.. my mom drove since I would not be able to drive myself, it took about 45 min to get to the clinic, we parked and all of us walked in sat down and waited my turn…
The waiting room was filled, so i knew i wasnt the only one who made this kind of decision..it was a quite office the people there looked sad and a lil scared…My name was called…
I got up and looked at Matt Dead in the eye and wispered , This is what you wanted. Dont know if he heard me. i walked threw the door and was told to sit down and fill out a paper.. all it said was ‘this is my choice and no one put me up to it’ I felt like throwing the paper and yelling but its not my choice its his.. but i was there and i was in the room so i had to agreed somewhere.. i did was i was told and was walked in another room where there were like 4 girls in there all with a bandaid on there arm, then it was my turn again. This time it was for Blood and to pee in a cup again.. dont ask why cuz i dont know.. the nurse then walked me in to a locker room area with closets and told me to put my stuff in one of them.Went back in the room with the other girls and a few were talking about why they were getting it done…one girl was ona soccer team and couldnt risk gaining weight and runing her game plan.. another was in her late 30’s and she was a drug user so she didnt want to have a child under drugs not to mention it was like her 2nd or 3rd abortion. the other girls didnt really wanna talk about it..
One by one the girls name were called, finally my name came up I was the last of the bunch.. I walked with the nurse to the abortion room, i laid on the table they moved my legs exposing EVERYTHING, i felt uncomfortable the nurse put a needle in my hand and asked if i was ok.. i lied and siad yeah.. i saw the Male doctor walk in and I was about to YEll and Stop this whole thing but by the time i open my mouth.. i was knocked out sleep , the next thing i saw was myself laying on a bed in a room with all of the other girls i was in the one room with before.. all of the same girls.. i felt a lil pain but not much the nurse told all of us to just rest a little bit and then we would be ok to get up and get dressed.. That was it.. its over .. i didnt even feel anything.. and its done.. i am no longer with child.. i was a little woosy and wobbly when i left the office with my family and went home.. i slept Nice the rest of that day.. the next day it felt like a dream and that i was never pregnant.. everything was the same nothing changed..
To this day i wonder what i would be like if i didnt abort..And what Pisses me off to NO end.. Matt Told me (dont know exactly when) but He Told me.. if you would have walked out of the office with a changed mind.. he would have Stayed anyway Even tho he told me he wouldnt.. And Still tothis day i am With matt.. its going on 5 yrs this thanksgiving and we are together, still having sex with no protection Yet we havent had another pregnancy Since….
---*** UPDATE ***----- I am currently prego 11weeks.. 8/17/2010
learning about life.. 19-20yrs
I stopped tonight, and I thought about my life!
My life right now, seems Perfect yet its so hard. To survive, Dealing with everyday life is Amazing! I see so many diffrent things that are great and yet I find all the bad things to overload the good. Freaking out in my shell debating my life and living it, i think about sucide everyday i wake up. At time I tell myself maybe i’ll just go back to sleep for a few more min, and find myself waking up in the middle of the day asking what happen? Scared of the rest of the day since its about to be boring with nothing planned for me. I hate days with nothing to do, cause all I do is Waste time, Time is to Valuable to just be Wasting.. Then I Hate thoes days when I am soo overloaded with errans to run and things to do. I get Stuck!
Durning the Days I think about Ending this Life, i sit and cry ‘cause I cant just end it like that. There’s to much to left to do, Even if I dont want to do it. I feel like sleeping everymin of everday at least then time will pass by and I wont have to worry about doing nothing.
Debating to keep my life is such a process always ending in no, just Keep it. I find you can always just do it Later like everything else. So whats going on in my head? I look inside to check things out, not much to see just a depressed young girl, struggling. Looking around my room I dont see anything I like about it.. then I think about which room I am in, Owning a 3 bedroom house with a living room and a dining room. all the rooms are mine, so I get up and head for a diffrent room, sit for a moment and debate if this is the room I want to be in.. Mostly I end up in the computer room. I find the computer has my life embedded in it somewhere. Writing eases my heart and thoughts.. I listen to the music and type my little life away.
Sometimes I think about all the people who Will read this, and wonder what they will say about it.. Dont know if I will care about it or not, but sometimes I Do.. and other times I dont.. killing myself is not a choice today, my Beloved mention to me that another hosptial stay is not in my future. Since my future is with him.. and he wont be able to handle it!.. Its kinda cold right now, maybe its the thoughts of my last hosptial stay? or maybe it just the heater is OFF… I am too into typing to get up and check the reality of my chilly’ness.
So tonight is a night I will be alive Be thankfull that, That is the Answer for tonight.. and it will only beable to Bring more writing’s to the Table!
My life right now, seems Perfect yet its so hard. To survive, Dealing with everyday life is Amazing! I see so many diffrent things that are great and yet I find all the bad things to overload the good. Freaking out in my shell debating my life and living it, i think about sucide everyday i wake up. At time I tell myself maybe i’ll just go back to sleep for a few more min, and find myself waking up in the middle of the day asking what happen? Scared of the rest of the day since its about to be boring with nothing planned for me. I hate days with nothing to do, cause all I do is Waste time, Time is to Valuable to just be Wasting.. Then I Hate thoes days when I am soo overloaded with errans to run and things to do. I get Stuck!
Durning the Days I think about Ending this Life, i sit and cry ‘cause I cant just end it like that. There’s to much to left to do, Even if I dont want to do it. I feel like sleeping everymin of everday at least then time will pass by and I wont have to worry about doing nothing.
Debating to keep my life is such a process always ending in no, just Keep it. I find you can always just do it Later like everything else. So whats going on in my head? I look inside to check things out, not much to see just a depressed young girl, struggling. Looking around my room I dont see anything I like about it.. then I think about which room I am in, Owning a 3 bedroom house with a living room and a dining room. all the rooms are mine, so I get up and head for a diffrent room, sit for a moment and debate if this is the room I want to be in.. Mostly I end up in the computer room. I find the computer has my life embedded in it somewhere. Writing eases my heart and thoughts.. I listen to the music and type my little life away.
Sometimes I think about all the people who Will read this, and wonder what they will say about it.. Dont know if I will care about it or not, but sometimes I Do.. and other times I dont.. killing myself is not a choice today, my Beloved mention to me that another hosptial stay is not in my future. Since my future is with him.. and he wont be able to handle it!.. Its kinda cold right now, maybe its the thoughts of my last hosptial stay? or maybe it just the heater is OFF… I am too into typing to get up and check the reality of my chilly’ness.
So tonight is a night I will be alive Be thankfull that, That is the Answer for tonight.. and it will only beable to Bring more writing’s to the Table!
My Journey- i was late teens..durning this one
My journey to Adult’hood, Has been pretty Easy/Hard, both in the same sence!
I have had it pretty easy growing up, my mom was the one who gave me everything and did everything for me. I used her to My advantage often, i would bother her for somthing till I got what I wanted.My step dad would give me money for lil deeds i would do for him. Rich we were Not, But I still manage to get just about Everything I wanted. I didnt have to do Much if anything, I was simi Spoiled.
During the coarse of my teenage years I realized something Going Wrong in my Young life, My Stepdad Had been touching me since I was about 6 or so and I didnt really think it was wrong but then again Most child molesters didnt make it alarming to the child that what is happening is Wrong.I start to notice the things I did for my dad (I called him Dad) never went unrewarded, I would be asked to do somthing in order to get somthing I wanted, if i wanted $20 bucks to catch a movie with a friend I would have to earn the money by Oraling pleasing him and when I was finished with my simple deed, i would get the money and hit the road, spend it carelessly.My mother never really knew what was going on with my dad and me till about the age of 12 he was arrested for somthing with money and he was deported to France,(where he’s from) and durning the time he was gone I notice I was missing somthing.. Missing something inside and I couldnt understand the feelings because I had been touch in a way I wasnt supoosed to be till I was Older.
Anyway so As I explored these Feeling’s I Met my Bestfriend, and she knew about what I was going threw her younger sister had been threw the same thing as me and warned me that it was wrong what my dad had been doing.. so I told my mom, who didnt Believe me Duh, who believes a Spoild Brat who just Gets everything she wants cause no one wants to hear her mouth. I tryed to tell my aunt neighbor I felt comfortable with her and she toldmy aunt who told my mom and THEN, we had a family meeting, My aunt my mom and Me the lier who no one wanted to hear from. At the time there was nothing we could do because he had already been deported and out of the country nothing but throw me in Theirpy (in which I did Benifit from – more later)
So in Theirpy I went at 12yrs old, i went threw about 3 counclers before Falling in love with my Patricia She was the Best a kid could get she did go out of her way in many ways for me I happen to be someone who Needed her! she was like a 2nd mother to me, She took me to School functions and talked to me about motherly things like sex cause at the time I had turned 13 and lost my Virginty to an 18yr old male and I was exploring thoes feelings the ones I lost when my dad went to jail. Patrica helped me threw many rough times I was 15/16 dating a guy in his early 20’s and sweet talked my Mother in to letting him Move in with us. Once he moved in a new game was being played he starting to rekindle feelings and emotions I was looking for alone with ones I didnt need to know about like Violence, He hit me and I hit back, we, together put holes in my mothers doors and walls. we made the neighbors yell to keep it down and cause destruction to my mothers home. Patrica walked me threw times when I needed to be in a Safe enviorment, I saw her once a week for 3 yrs we grew so Close she knew the sexual adventures I was going on, she knew the High school progress I was failing in, she knew the emotions I was having. She helped me when I needed a Mother. Since my mother wasnt being much of anything since Guy ( my dad) went to jail her friends turned in to Druggies and her Newest roomate was an Asshole (kenny). my Mother wasnt all there anymore..
Durning my years of theipry I went threw many Tests and i use the word Tests because Now i look back and see thats exzatly what they were. I used Sex to comfot me, I wrote to ease my mind when a guy I just had sex with left my house, Yes, I say My House, I never alowed myself to go to another guys house, I always just brought them home. my mom i guess didnt seem to notice the steady stream of males floating in my room and the lights turn out. I have been caught in the act 2 times, thats about it tho and yea they were diffrent guys.. I was in my own lil world of sex and writing about the time i just had and how horraiable i fel afterward, but did i Stop ??? Nope i just found a new guy to mess with.. I then found my Jiffy Lube dude,he was in to Pot and at first it was Only to be a One night stand thing but I was on my rag and couldnt afford to have sex with this new guy like that, Not comfortable so we arranged to have sex another time and kinda started a routine, he would pick me up after work we go to his house have sex watch TV and go to bed wake up and he would drop me off at home we did this for about 2 weeks when i finally for the First time thought I had Feelings for him and I told him and we stops hanging out.. for a few months I was lonely still I met Matt online threw a friend and I have been with matt ever since..—
I have had it pretty easy growing up, my mom was the one who gave me everything and did everything for me. I used her to My advantage often, i would bother her for somthing till I got what I wanted.My step dad would give me money for lil deeds i would do for him. Rich we were Not, But I still manage to get just about Everything I wanted. I didnt have to do Much if anything, I was simi Spoiled.
During the coarse of my teenage years I realized something Going Wrong in my Young life, My Stepdad Had been touching me since I was about 6 or so and I didnt really think it was wrong but then again Most child molesters didnt make it alarming to the child that what is happening is Wrong.I start to notice the things I did for my dad (I called him Dad) never went unrewarded, I would be asked to do somthing in order to get somthing I wanted, if i wanted $20 bucks to catch a movie with a friend I would have to earn the money by Oraling pleasing him and when I was finished with my simple deed, i would get the money and hit the road, spend it carelessly.My mother never really knew what was going on with my dad and me till about the age of 12 he was arrested for somthing with money and he was deported to France,(where he’s from) and durning the time he was gone I notice I was missing somthing.. Missing something inside and I couldnt understand the feelings because I had been touch in a way I wasnt supoosed to be till I was Older.
Anyway so As I explored these Feeling’s I Met my Bestfriend, and she knew about what I was going threw her younger sister had been threw the same thing as me and warned me that it was wrong what my dad had been doing.. so I told my mom, who didnt Believe me Duh, who believes a Spoild Brat who just Gets everything she wants cause no one wants to hear her mouth. I tryed to tell my aunt neighbor I felt comfortable with her and she toldmy aunt who told my mom and THEN, we had a family meeting, My aunt my mom and Me the lier who no one wanted to hear from. At the time there was nothing we could do because he had already been deported and out of the country nothing but throw me in Theirpy (in which I did Benifit from – more later)
So in Theirpy I went at 12yrs old, i went threw about 3 counclers before Falling in love with my Patricia She was the Best a kid could get she did go out of her way in many ways for me I happen to be someone who Needed her! she was like a 2nd mother to me, She took me to School functions and talked to me about motherly things like sex cause at the time I had turned 13 and lost my Virginty to an 18yr old male and I was exploring thoes feelings the ones I lost when my dad went to jail. Patrica helped me threw many rough times I was 15/16 dating a guy in his early 20’s and sweet talked my Mother in to letting him Move in with us. Once he moved in a new game was being played he starting to rekindle feelings and emotions I was looking for alone with ones I didnt need to know about like Violence, He hit me and I hit back, we, together put holes in my mothers doors and walls. we made the neighbors yell to keep it down and cause destruction to my mothers home. Patrica walked me threw times when I needed to be in a Safe enviorment, I saw her once a week for 3 yrs we grew so Close she knew the sexual adventures I was going on, she knew the High school progress I was failing in, she knew the emotions I was having. She helped me when I needed a Mother. Since my mother wasnt being much of anything since Guy ( my dad) went to jail her friends turned in to Druggies and her Newest roomate was an Asshole (kenny). my Mother wasnt all there anymore..
Durning my years of theipry I went threw many Tests and i use the word Tests because Now i look back and see thats exzatly what they were. I used Sex to comfot me, I wrote to ease my mind when a guy I just had sex with left my house, Yes, I say My House, I never alowed myself to go to another guys house, I always just brought them home. my mom i guess didnt seem to notice the steady stream of males floating in my room and the lights turn out. I have been caught in the act 2 times, thats about it tho and yea they were diffrent guys.. I was in my own lil world of sex and writing about the time i just had and how horraiable i fel afterward, but did i Stop ??? Nope i just found a new guy to mess with.. I then found my Jiffy Lube dude,he was in to Pot and at first it was Only to be a One night stand thing but I was on my rag and couldnt afford to have sex with this new guy like that, Not comfortable so we arranged to have sex another time and kinda started a routine, he would pick me up after work we go to his house have sex watch TV and go to bed wake up and he would drop me off at home we did this for about 2 weeks when i finally for the First time thought I had Feelings for him and I told him and we stops hanging out.. for a few months I was lonely still I met Matt online threw a friend and I have been with matt ever since..—
Trapped in Two worlds- a bit of time has passed since this was written
Listening to music Alowing my to Express myself and debating on how I can proceed this Rough Draft of my Story of life and how I am Trapped!
Well the Begining would have to Start with My realtionship! I have a Beloved, whom Adores me. His name will be Matt, and this beloved of mine Happens to Give me The Best and the Worst of the realtionship world.. Is it enough to Stay you be the Judge and Let me know.. Help me Balance this challenge!
Matt has giving me the world of material, I Have the House I Dreamed of,I have the 4 Dogs and 2 ferrets who Give me Undivided attention, I have the car of my choice and gets me from A to B, I have my Own kitchen the way It should be.. a Big TV, Leather Couch’s just the perfect lil Home if your home is of materialistic items! Now the Down fall to this perfect lil House/Home, I am not alowed to Decorate, for I fail to have Matching Techique, I a not alowed to Use shoes in the house for I do not Clean it, I have many, many Rules for being the Almost Wife Title, I am not alowed to Do Much if anything, Tho My Matt wont Say your not Alowed in a verbal Sence but i Feel the Tention when I ask if I can do somthing..
There is No money for Extra things in my eyes but He assures i Need not worry about The bills.. it is being taken care of,i need not worry about cleaning it is already done, because I wouldnt have done it anyway. Dont worry I am supoosed to do, is Not Worry But when I get the Mail and Someing is LATE and I question about it, Its ok,, dont worry is all i tend to hear.. And I wonder what money is going to pay for this, we dont have the money for bills but yet he can afford to venture a walmart and spend over $100 in things we dont really need, but yet a bill is being taken care of and no money is visiable…
Matt does most the work around this house,He cleans and Yells at me for not cleaning, He feeds the dogs and i get yelled at for not feeding the dogs, he makes a Mess but I am Not alowed to make any mess for i Wont clean it up.. I dont make promises to myself no longer for the mere fact He will put me down and not alow me to Succeed in my Goal, with no help of his Voice, with no hugs and kisses from him, I feel Low to the Ground, useless and always a mess, I am lost and stuck in a cloud, of do I stay or do I go.. I have it better then I ever have. I have everything I need, I have perfection! How do I deal with The Good and remove the Bad.. do I remove the Man? Then how am i to Cope with bills and responsability? he manages it all, I wont have to Worry, If he is gone I will Panic, I panic just Thinking about it! Do I deal with the Touture of Yelling and Breaking Things for Pure Anger? I am the one who Cause the Anger to begin with, for not doing somthing he already has Done!
Expecting me to Clean a Mess already Cleaned up, Yelling at me to do somthing already Finsished.. Breaking a Glass because I told him No, I attempt to Break and All Hell Breaks Loose? How can I Fix the problem? I tryed and tryed to do what I could and Nothing Is Working! Wanting so much more then I asked for or that I have?
I want more but not of the things is he Providing, I want to be Loved and he loves me just not in a way i feel it. He loves me and takes me to dinner buys a movie and hugs me for the time. As the Night progress He fails to kiss me Goodnight before bed. At home we Sit and Rot, At home we do nothing but Fight, At home we hate the feeling we vent,, at home is the place we dont get along.. outside we strike a pose and fake it.. everything is Good and fine, Everything is Just Right.. And again on the way home the yelling starts and the fight begins..I dont know How much Longer I can Deal! I dont knwo how to Act anymore! I am Losing my Mind and somtimes I feel like my Mind is not Mine… He controls my life more like he Is My Life, Matt is the person Who I should be with for every, He looks after me and looks out for me, tells me when i am Wrong and lets me know when I need to Do somthing! He pays the bills and Makes things work, he fixes the house up for our liking.. He just dont know how to Work a realtionship..
So am Asking your What can/should I Do with the Worlds I am Stuck in.. So I change my self and Venture out with no Safety Net of comfort.. Or do I dwell in the world os him and alow myself to just Sink in and just Be? I dont know what i am Going to do or when I am going to make the transaction to the Next Step..
Well the Begining would have to Start with My realtionship! I have a Beloved, whom Adores me. His name will be Matt, and this beloved of mine Happens to Give me The Best and the Worst of the realtionship world.. Is it enough to Stay you be the Judge and Let me know.. Help me Balance this challenge!
Matt has giving me the world of material, I Have the House I Dreamed of,I have the 4 Dogs and 2 ferrets who Give me Undivided attention, I have the car of my choice and gets me from A to B, I have my Own kitchen the way It should be.. a Big TV, Leather Couch’s just the perfect lil Home if your home is of materialistic items! Now the Down fall to this perfect lil House/Home, I am not alowed to Decorate, for I fail to have Matching Techique, I a not alowed to Use shoes in the house for I do not Clean it, I have many, many Rules for being the Almost Wife Title, I am not alowed to Do Much if anything, Tho My Matt wont Say your not Alowed in a verbal Sence but i Feel the Tention when I ask if I can do somthing..
There is No money for Extra things in my eyes but He assures i Need not worry about The bills.. it is being taken care of,i need not worry about cleaning it is already done, because I wouldnt have done it anyway. Dont worry I am supoosed to do, is Not Worry But when I get the Mail and Someing is LATE and I question about it, Its ok,, dont worry is all i tend to hear.. And I wonder what money is going to pay for this, we dont have the money for bills but yet he can afford to venture a walmart and spend over $100 in things we dont really need, but yet a bill is being taken care of and no money is visiable…
Matt does most the work around this house,He cleans and Yells at me for not cleaning, He feeds the dogs and i get yelled at for not feeding the dogs, he makes a Mess but I am Not alowed to make any mess for i Wont clean it up.. I dont make promises to myself no longer for the mere fact He will put me down and not alow me to Succeed in my Goal, with no help of his Voice, with no hugs and kisses from him, I feel Low to the Ground, useless and always a mess, I am lost and stuck in a cloud, of do I stay or do I go.. I have it better then I ever have. I have everything I need, I have perfection! How do I deal with The Good and remove the Bad.. do I remove the Man? Then how am i to Cope with bills and responsability? he manages it all, I wont have to Worry, If he is gone I will Panic, I panic just Thinking about it! Do I deal with the Touture of Yelling and Breaking Things for Pure Anger? I am the one who Cause the Anger to begin with, for not doing somthing he already has Done!
Expecting me to Clean a Mess already Cleaned up, Yelling at me to do somthing already Finsished.. Breaking a Glass because I told him No, I attempt to Break and All Hell Breaks Loose? How can I Fix the problem? I tryed and tryed to do what I could and Nothing Is Working! Wanting so much more then I asked for or that I have?
I want more but not of the things is he Providing, I want to be Loved and he loves me just not in a way i feel it. He loves me and takes me to dinner buys a movie and hugs me for the time. As the Night progress He fails to kiss me Goodnight before bed. At home we Sit and Rot, At home we do nothing but Fight, At home we hate the feeling we vent,, at home is the place we dont get along.. outside we strike a pose and fake it.. everything is Good and fine, Everything is Just Right.. And again on the way home the yelling starts and the fight begins..I dont know How much Longer I can Deal! I dont knwo how to Act anymore! I am Losing my Mind and somtimes I feel like my Mind is not Mine… He controls my life more like he Is My Life, Matt is the person Who I should be with for every, He looks after me and looks out for me, tells me when i am Wrong and lets me know when I need to Do somthing! He pays the bills and Makes things work, he fixes the house up for our liking.. He just dont know how to Work a realtionship..
So am Asking your What can/should I Do with the Worlds I am Stuck in.. So I change my self and Venture out with no Safety Net of comfort.. Or do I dwell in the world os him and alow myself to just Sink in and just Be? I dont know what i am Going to do or when I am going to make the transaction to the Next Step..
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