Dear Bastard,
I made it to 21,working on 22 this year.I bet you didnt think I would get this far. I have a lot to show right now, and if you could see me now.What you did to me in the past, you know ruining my Childhood slowed me down entering my mid teen’s,But growing up now i can see what you did and its Not My Fault. You had a Problem with Little Girls, and i am Sure you did the same to your Daughter and she may have came threw it just like I did.
Looking back on thoes days when I would help you out with your problem. I didnt see, I didnt see the Bad Side of things. I never thought it was Bad until someone Open my eyes and showed me, what was happening. You stole my innocence, Something that i could never get back.. You de’flowered a Little girl.. You managed to Turn me in to a Slut durning my tween’s (before teenage years) After you started you bad Habits with me, you unlocked a door which should have never been unlocked till Much much older. Since the Door was left wide open when you were arrested for Other reason besides mine, I craved the feeling you used to bring to me. I began to Search for thoes feeling you left me without, I went threw guys like water. Some i left hanging in the wind while others Ripped my heart, a few I held together, And now One I have been with since before my 18th Brithday..
Running around in my prior years never left me with a child stuck in the rain, it didnt teach me how to hurt others,I never did anything to say otherwise. I had a rought teenage years but I managed, living with my mother was a lil uneasy since she didnt try to Protect me until it was to late. I didnt know what to do when I talked to her about issues I had. I wouldn’t talk to my mom much because of you, Everything you did to me i never told her cause of the time I tryed,(I am sure you remember) it was on the Boat in San Diego, i wrote in my lil diary what i was doing and with who i was doing it with (you), I wrote my feelings even at 7 or 8, i felt something Off and not right.. you found the diary and showed it to my mom.. She was soo Mad and you both started yelling about it, she threw it in to the ocean, while you ripped her shirt and I had to hop out of the hatch to jump on the dock to get Help.. i remember the police comming out and you got taken away for domestic violence or somthing simliar. You returned soon enough and took place right where you left off.. Sorry got side-tracked,Since then I didnt talk to mom about anything in fear she would just be angry with me and not believe me..
Nice work Dad, I dont even know why I call you dad, you are not my dad, no where near my sperm donor but yet I grew up with you, you helped me when I scraped my knee. I know who my father is, and he is Not you My father may have not been around like you but He would have NEVER done the things you did to me.. and if you too ever met I am Sure he would have no problem Hurting you like you Hurt me over and over again..
looking around me now, I notice you affected my life in so many ways. You taught me to be un-loving, you taught me to be Angry, you taught me how to hurt, and how to push away and remove feeling from some one I care about.. You taught me a world of living life un-grateful. Teaching me these things affect me. at 21 I have no family (working on it) at 21 I have no job,(cant seem to keep one due to the emotional stress you helped me earn) at 21 I freak out in public places in fear I could see your face at any time, I know the police told me you were banned from USA for 7 yrs and well Now thoes 7yrs are up. I am thankfull you dont know where I live, and you dont know anything about me now.. I just wanted to tell you .. you broke me when I was young but you wont ever break me now!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
My abortion.. written along time ago
Febuary 8th 2004 was the day it happen.. My mother,my friend,my Boyfriend and myself Got in the car, and headed toward the clinic to have this pregnancy taken care of..
I found out I was pregnant the last weeks of January. I noticed I was peeing more then usual, a little uncommon for me. I thought maybe a bladder problem, so I made the apointment to see the doctor. Walked in no problem, no worries. After I pee’ed in the lil cup and gave it to him, he walked in to the lab area and came back with some news. He asked me if i had been drinking a lot of water lately, I answered yes, odd question to ask. He then gave me a look.. and said, Well your pregnant Are you keeping or termaniating? I was in Shock and gave my answe, gimme both numbers.. walked out of the office and went home.. Soon as I enter my bedroom My boyfriend Matt asked, so what happen? And I gave him a look First words out of his mouth were “we’re not keeping it” of course I cryed not knowing what to do or anything..
I gave it a few days to sink in, and i called my Best friend who helped me make an apointment with a Baby Doctor. I asked matt if he wanted to go with me and since I wasnt driving myself he refused to go. my friend and I walked in to the office and waited my turn.. They called my name, we walked in the room and I had to remove some clothes for the ultrasound.. There i was in the Office with my best friend and the doctor, she turned the monitor to me and showed me the lil bubble my baby lived in.. she didnt turn on the heartbeat sound because i put on my apointment card i was thinking abortion, its a law or somthing they dont let you hear the heart beat so that you dont change your mind or somthing like that.. but she showed me the little flicker and told me that it was the heart.. I couldnt tell anything since it was soo tiny, it didnt look liek a baby or anything just a small blinking dot.. the doctor told me it was about 6 weeks or so.. Again I cryed. When I went home I was Mad at Matt for not going with me, and I didnt talk to him for a few hours.. the next morning i was still mad that he just had no feelings for it and just had no 2nd thoughts..
Mad at Matt i asked again what would happen if I did keep it.. He told me right out that he would leave me and go back to Boston, He didnt want another child right now.. So i took that information and Cryed, I then told him Fine, in a rude tone.. I told him then i am just going to call the kill my baby hotline.. and just get it done with so no one has to worry about it no more..
Finally got the nerve to talk to my mom and family about what I was planing on doing, some were mad and sad.. other were aggreeing.. I called the number made the apointment and waited till the day was here..
The day of the apointment i made matt get in the car and had my other friend go too.. my mom drove since I would not be able to drive myself, it took about 45 min to get to the clinic, we parked and all of us walked in sat down and waited my turn…
The waiting room was filled, so i knew i wasnt the only one who made this kind of decision..it was a quite office the people there looked sad and a lil scared…My name was called…
I got up and looked at Matt Dead in the eye and wispered , This is what you wanted. Dont know if he heard me. i walked threw the door and was told to sit down and fill out a paper.. all it said was ‘this is my choice and no one put me up to it’ I felt like throwing the paper and yelling but its not my choice its his.. but i was there and i was in the room so i had to agreed somewhere.. i did was i was told and was walked in another room where there were like 4 girls in there all with a bandaid on there arm, then it was my turn again. This time it was for Blood and to pee in a cup again.. dont ask why cuz i dont know.. the nurse then walked me in to a locker room area with closets and told me to put my stuff in one of them.Went back in the room with the other girls and a few were talking about why they were getting it done…one girl was ona soccer team and couldnt risk gaining weight and runing her game plan.. another was in her late 30’s and she was a drug user so she didnt want to have a child under drugs not to mention it was like her 2nd or 3rd abortion. the other girls didnt really wanna talk about it..
One by one the girls name were called, finally my name came up I was the last of the bunch.. I walked with the nurse to the abortion room, i laid on the table they moved my legs exposing EVERYTHING, i felt uncomfortable the nurse put a needle in my hand and asked if i was ok.. i lied and siad yeah.. i saw the Male doctor walk in and I was about to YEll and Stop this whole thing but by the time i open my mouth.. i was knocked out sleep , the next thing i saw was myself laying on a bed in a room with all of the other girls i was in the one room with before.. all of the same girls.. i felt a lil pain but not much the nurse told all of us to just rest a little bit and then we would be ok to get up and get dressed.. That was it.. its over .. i didnt even feel anything.. and its done.. i am no longer with child.. i was a little woosy and wobbly when i left the office with my family and went home.. i slept Nice the rest of that day.. the next day it felt like a dream and that i was never pregnant.. everything was the same nothing changed..
To this day i wonder what i would be like if i didnt abort..And what Pisses me off to NO end.. Matt Told me (dont know exactly when) but He Told me.. if you would have walked out of the office with a changed mind.. he would have Stayed anyway Even tho he told me he wouldnt.. And Still tothis day i am With matt.. its going on 5 yrs this thanksgiving and we are together, still having sex with no protection Yet we havent had another pregnancy Since….
---*** UPDATE ***----- I am currently prego 11weeks.. 8/17/2010
I found out I was pregnant the last weeks of January. I noticed I was peeing more then usual, a little uncommon for me. I thought maybe a bladder problem, so I made the apointment to see the doctor. Walked in no problem, no worries. After I pee’ed in the lil cup and gave it to him, he walked in to the lab area and came back with some news. He asked me if i had been drinking a lot of water lately, I answered yes, odd question to ask. He then gave me a look.. and said, Well your pregnant Are you keeping or termaniating? I was in Shock and gave my answe, gimme both numbers.. walked out of the office and went home.. Soon as I enter my bedroom My boyfriend Matt asked, so what happen? And I gave him a look First words out of his mouth were “we’re not keeping it” of course I cryed not knowing what to do or anything..
I gave it a few days to sink in, and i called my Best friend who helped me make an apointment with a Baby Doctor. I asked matt if he wanted to go with me and since I wasnt driving myself he refused to go. my friend and I walked in to the office and waited my turn.. They called my name, we walked in the room and I had to remove some clothes for the ultrasound.. There i was in the Office with my best friend and the doctor, she turned the monitor to me and showed me the lil bubble my baby lived in.. she didnt turn on the heartbeat sound because i put on my apointment card i was thinking abortion, its a law or somthing they dont let you hear the heart beat so that you dont change your mind or somthing like that.. but she showed me the little flicker and told me that it was the heart.. I couldnt tell anything since it was soo tiny, it didnt look liek a baby or anything just a small blinking dot.. the doctor told me it was about 6 weeks or so.. Again I cryed. When I went home I was Mad at Matt for not going with me, and I didnt talk to him for a few hours.. the next morning i was still mad that he just had no feelings for it and just had no 2nd thoughts..
Mad at Matt i asked again what would happen if I did keep it.. He told me right out that he would leave me and go back to Boston, He didnt want another child right now.. So i took that information and Cryed, I then told him Fine, in a rude tone.. I told him then i am just going to call the kill my baby hotline.. and just get it done with so no one has to worry about it no more..
Finally got the nerve to talk to my mom and family about what I was planing on doing, some were mad and sad.. other were aggreeing.. I called the number made the apointment and waited till the day was here..
The day of the apointment i made matt get in the car and had my other friend go too.. my mom drove since I would not be able to drive myself, it took about 45 min to get to the clinic, we parked and all of us walked in sat down and waited my turn…
The waiting room was filled, so i knew i wasnt the only one who made this kind of decision..it was a quite office the people there looked sad and a lil scared…My name was called…
I got up and looked at Matt Dead in the eye and wispered , This is what you wanted. Dont know if he heard me. i walked threw the door and was told to sit down and fill out a paper.. all it said was ‘this is my choice and no one put me up to it’ I felt like throwing the paper and yelling but its not my choice its his.. but i was there and i was in the room so i had to agreed somewhere.. i did was i was told and was walked in another room where there were like 4 girls in there all with a bandaid on there arm, then it was my turn again. This time it was for Blood and to pee in a cup again.. dont ask why cuz i dont know.. the nurse then walked me in to a locker room area with closets and told me to put my stuff in one of them.Went back in the room with the other girls and a few were talking about why they were getting it done…one girl was ona soccer team and couldnt risk gaining weight and runing her game plan.. another was in her late 30’s and she was a drug user so she didnt want to have a child under drugs not to mention it was like her 2nd or 3rd abortion. the other girls didnt really wanna talk about it..
One by one the girls name were called, finally my name came up I was the last of the bunch.. I walked with the nurse to the abortion room, i laid on the table they moved my legs exposing EVERYTHING, i felt uncomfortable the nurse put a needle in my hand and asked if i was ok.. i lied and siad yeah.. i saw the Male doctor walk in and I was about to YEll and Stop this whole thing but by the time i open my mouth.. i was knocked out sleep , the next thing i saw was myself laying on a bed in a room with all of the other girls i was in the one room with before.. all of the same girls.. i felt a lil pain but not much the nurse told all of us to just rest a little bit and then we would be ok to get up and get dressed.. That was it.. its over .. i didnt even feel anything.. and its done.. i am no longer with child.. i was a little woosy and wobbly when i left the office with my family and went home.. i slept Nice the rest of that day.. the next day it felt like a dream and that i was never pregnant.. everything was the same nothing changed..
To this day i wonder what i would be like if i didnt abort..And what Pisses me off to NO end.. Matt Told me (dont know exactly when) but He Told me.. if you would have walked out of the office with a changed mind.. he would have Stayed anyway Even tho he told me he wouldnt.. And Still tothis day i am With matt.. its going on 5 yrs this thanksgiving and we are together, still having sex with no protection Yet we havent had another pregnancy Since….
---*** UPDATE ***----- I am currently prego 11weeks.. 8/17/2010
learning about life.. 19-20yrs
I stopped tonight, and I thought about my life!
My life right now, seems Perfect yet its so hard. To survive, Dealing with everyday life is Amazing! I see so many diffrent things that are great and yet I find all the bad things to overload the good. Freaking out in my shell debating my life and living it, i think about sucide everyday i wake up. At time I tell myself maybe i’ll just go back to sleep for a few more min, and find myself waking up in the middle of the day asking what happen? Scared of the rest of the day since its about to be boring with nothing planned for me. I hate days with nothing to do, cause all I do is Waste time, Time is to Valuable to just be Wasting.. Then I Hate thoes days when I am soo overloaded with errans to run and things to do. I get Stuck!
Durning the Days I think about Ending this Life, i sit and cry ‘cause I cant just end it like that. There’s to much to left to do, Even if I dont want to do it. I feel like sleeping everymin of everday at least then time will pass by and I wont have to worry about doing nothing.
Debating to keep my life is such a process always ending in no, just Keep it. I find you can always just do it Later like everything else. So whats going on in my head? I look inside to check things out, not much to see just a depressed young girl, struggling. Looking around my room I dont see anything I like about it.. then I think about which room I am in, Owning a 3 bedroom house with a living room and a dining room. all the rooms are mine, so I get up and head for a diffrent room, sit for a moment and debate if this is the room I want to be in.. Mostly I end up in the computer room. I find the computer has my life embedded in it somewhere. Writing eases my heart and thoughts.. I listen to the music and type my little life away.
Sometimes I think about all the people who Will read this, and wonder what they will say about it.. Dont know if I will care about it or not, but sometimes I Do.. and other times I dont.. killing myself is not a choice today, my Beloved mention to me that another hosptial stay is not in my future. Since my future is with him.. and he wont be able to handle it!.. Its kinda cold right now, maybe its the thoughts of my last hosptial stay? or maybe it just the heater is OFF… I am too into typing to get up and check the reality of my chilly’ness.
So tonight is a night I will be alive Be thankfull that, That is the Answer for tonight.. and it will only beable to Bring more writing’s to the Table!
My life right now, seems Perfect yet its so hard. To survive, Dealing with everyday life is Amazing! I see so many diffrent things that are great and yet I find all the bad things to overload the good. Freaking out in my shell debating my life and living it, i think about sucide everyday i wake up. At time I tell myself maybe i’ll just go back to sleep for a few more min, and find myself waking up in the middle of the day asking what happen? Scared of the rest of the day since its about to be boring with nothing planned for me. I hate days with nothing to do, cause all I do is Waste time, Time is to Valuable to just be Wasting.. Then I Hate thoes days when I am soo overloaded with errans to run and things to do. I get Stuck!
Durning the Days I think about Ending this Life, i sit and cry ‘cause I cant just end it like that. There’s to much to left to do, Even if I dont want to do it. I feel like sleeping everymin of everday at least then time will pass by and I wont have to worry about doing nothing.
Debating to keep my life is such a process always ending in no, just Keep it. I find you can always just do it Later like everything else. So whats going on in my head? I look inside to check things out, not much to see just a depressed young girl, struggling. Looking around my room I dont see anything I like about it.. then I think about which room I am in, Owning a 3 bedroom house with a living room and a dining room. all the rooms are mine, so I get up and head for a diffrent room, sit for a moment and debate if this is the room I want to be in.. Mostly I end up in the computer room. I find the computer has my life embedded in it somewhere. Writing eases my heart and thoughts.. I listen to the music and type my little life away.
Sometimes I think about all the people who Will read this, and wonder what they will say about it.. Dont know if I will care about it or not, but sometimes I Do.. and other times I dont.. killing myself is not a choice today, my Beloved mention to me that another hosptial stay is not in my future. Since my future is with him.. and he wont be able to handle it!.. Its kinda cold right now, maybe its the thoughts of my last hosptial stay? or maybe it just the heater is OFF… I am too into typing to get up and check the reality of my chilly’ness.
So tonight is a night I will be alive Be thankfull that, That is the Answer for tonight.. and it will only beable to Bring more writing’s to the Table!
My Journey- i was late teens..durning this one
My journey to Adult’hood, Has been pretty Easy/Hard, both in the same sence!
I have had it pretty easy growing up, my mom was the one who gave me everything and did everything for me. I used her to My advantage often, i would bother her for somthing till I got what I wanted.My step dad would give me money for lil deeds i would do for him. Rich we were Not, But I still manage to get just about Everything I wanted. I didnt have to do Much if anything, I was simi Spoiled.
During the coarse of my teenage years I realized something Going Wrong in my Young life, My Stepdad Had been touching me since I was about 6 or so and I didnt really think it was wrong but then again Most child molesters didnt make it alarming to the child that what is happening is Wrong.I start to notice the things I did for my dad (I called him Dad) never went unrewarded, I would be asked to do somthing in order to get somthing I wanted, if i wanted $20 bucks to catch a movie with a friend I would have to earn the money by Oraling pleasing him and when I was finished with my simple deed, i would get the money and hit the road, spend it carelessly.My mother never really knew what was going on with my dad and me till about the age of 12 he was arrested for somthing with money and he was deported to France,(where he’s from) and durning the time he was gone I notice I was missing somthing.. Missing something inside and I couldnt understand the feelings because I had been touch in a way I wasnt supoosed to be till I was Older.
Anyway so As I explored these Feeling’s I Met my Bestfriend, and she knew about what I was going threw her younger sister had been threw the same thing as me and warned me that it was wrong what my dad had been doing.. so I told my mom, who didnt Believe me Duh, who believes a Spoild Brat who just Gets everything she wants cause no one wants to hear her mouth. I tryed to tell my aunt neighbor I felt comfortable with her and she toldmy aunt who told my mom and THEN, we had a family meeting, My aunt my mom and Me the lier who no one wanted to hear from. At the time there was nothing we could do because he had already been deported and out of the country nothing but throw me in Theirpy (in which I did Benifit from – more later)
So in Theirpy I went at 12yrs old, i went threw about 3 counclers before Falling in love with my Patricia She was the Best a kid could get she did go out of her way in many ways for me I happen to be someone who Needed her! she was like a 2nd mother to me, She took me to School functions and talked to me about motherly things like sex cause at the time I had turned 13 and lost my Virginty to an 18yr old male and I was exploring thoes feelings the ones I lost when my dad went to jail. Patrica helped me threw many rough times I was 15/16 dating a guy in his early 20’s and sweet talked my Mother in to letting him Move in with us. Once he moved in a new game was being played he starting to rekindle feelings and emotions I was looking for alone with ones I didnt need to know about like Violence, He hit me and I hit back, we, together put holes in my mothers doors and walls. we made the neighbors yell to keep it down and cause destruction to my mothers home. Patrica walked me threw times when I needed to be in a Safe enviorment, I saw her once a week for 3 yrs we grew so Close she knew the sexual adventures I was going on, she knew the High school progress I was failing in, she knew the emotions I was having. She helped me when I needed a Mother. Since my mother wasnt being much of anything since Guy ( my dad) went to jail her friends turned in to Druggies and her Newest roomate was an Asshole (kenny). my Mother wasnt all there anymore..
Durning my years of theipry I went threw many Tests and i use the word Tests because Now i look back and see thats exzatly what they were. I used Sex to comfot me, I wrote to ease my mind when a guy I just had sex with left my house, Yes, I say My House, I never alowed myself to go to another guys house, I always just brought them home. my mom i guess didnt seem to notice the steady stream of males floating in my room and the lights turn out. I have been caught in the act 2 times, thats about it tho and yea they were diffrent guys.. I was in my own lil world of sex and writing about the time i just had and how horraiable i fel afterward, but did i Stop ??? Nope i just found a new guy to mess with.. I then found my Jiffy Lube dude,he was in to Pot and at first it was Only to be a One night stand thing but I was on my rag and couldnt afford to have sex with this new guy like that, Not comfortable so we arranged to have sex another time and kinda started a routine, he would pick me up after work we go to his house have sex watch TV and go to bed wake up and he would drop me off at home we did this for about 2 weeks when i finally for the First time thought I had Feelings for him and I told him and we stops hanging out.. for a few months I was lonely still I met Matt online threw a friend and I have been with matt ever since..—
I have had it pretty easy growing up, my mom was the one who gave me everything and did everything for me. I used her to My advantage often, i would bother her for somthing till I got what I wanted.My step dad would give me money for lil deeds i would do for him. Rich we were Not, But I still manage to get just about Everything I wanted. I didnt have to do Much if anything, I was simi Spoiled.
During the coarse of my teenage years I realized something Going Wrong in my Young life, My Stepdad Had been touching me since I was about 6 or so and I didnt really think it was wrong but then again Most child molesters didnt make it alarming to the child that what is happening is Wrong.I start to notice the things I did for my dad (I called him Dad) never went unrewarded, I would be asked to do somthing in order to get somthing I wanted, if i wanted $20 bucks to catch a movie with a friend I would have to earn the money by Oraling pleasing him and when I was finished with my simple deed, i would get the money and hit the road, spend it carelessly.My mother never really knew what was going on with my dad and me till about the age of 12 he was arrested for somthing with money and he was deported to France,(where he’s from) and durning the time he was gone I notice I was missing somthing.. Missing something inside and I couldnt understand the feelings because I had been touch in a way I wasnt supoosed to be till I was Older.
Anyway so As I explored these Feeling’s I Met my Bestfriend, and she knew about what I was going threw her younger sister had been threw the same thing as me and warned me that it was wrong what my dad had been doing.. so I told my mom, who didnt Believe me Duh, who believes a Spoild Brat who just Gets everything she wants cause no one wants to hear her mouth. I tryed to tell my aunt neighbor I felt comfortable with her and she toldmy aunt who told my mom and THEN, we had a family meeting, My aunt my mom and Me the lier who no one wanted to hear from. At the time there was nothing we could do because he had already been deported and out of the country nothing but throw me in Theirpy (in which I did Benifit from – more later)
So in Theirpy I went at 12yrs old, i went threw about 3 counclers before Falling in love with my Patricia She was the Best a kid could get she did go out of her way in many ways for me I happen to be someone who Needed her! she was like a 2nd mother to me, She took me to School functions and talked to me about motherly things like sex cause at the time I had turned 13 and lost my Virginty to an 18yr old male and I was exploring thoes feelings the ones I lost when my dad went to jail. Patrica helped me threw many rough times I was 15/16 dating a guy in his early 20’s and sweet talked my Mother in to letting him Move in with us. Once he moved in a new game was being played he starting to rekindle feelings and emotions I was looking for alone with ones I didnt need to know about like Violence, He hit me and I hit back, we, together put holes in my mothers doors and walls. we made the neighbors yell to keep it down and cause destruction to my mothers home. Patrica walked me threw times when I needed to be in a Safe enviorment, I saw her once a week for 3 yrs we grew so Close she knew the sexual adventures I was going on, she knew the High school progress I was failing in, she knew the emotions I was having. She helped me when I needed a Mother. Since my mother wasnt being much of anything since Guy ( my dad) went to jail her friends turned in to Druggies and her Newest roomate was an Asshole (kenny). my Mother wasnt all there anymore..
Durning my years of theipry I went threw many Tests and i use the word Tests because Now i look back and see thats exzatly what they were. I used Sex to comfot me, I wrote to ease my mind when a guy I just had sex with left my house, Yes, I say My House, I never alowed myself to go to another guys house, I always just brought them home. my mom i guess didnt seem to notice the steady stream of males floating in my room and the lights turn out. I have been caught in the act 2 times, thats about it tho and yea they were diffrent guys.. I was in my own lil world of sex and writing about the time i just had and how horraiable i fel afterward, but did i Stop ??? Nope i just found a new guy to mess with.. I then found my Jiffy Lube dude,he was in to Pot and at first it was Only to be a One night stand thing but I was on my rag and couldnt afford to have sex with this new guy like that, Not comfortable so we arranged to have sex another time and kinda started a routine, he would pick me up after work we go to his house have sex watch TV and go to bed wake up and he would drop me off at home we did this for about 2 weeks when i finally for the First time thought I had Feelings for him and I told him and we stops hanging out.. for a few months I was lonely still I met Matt online threw a friend and I have been with matt ever since..—
Trapped in Two worlds- a bit of time has passed since this was written
Listening to music Alowing my to Express myself and debating on how I can proceed this Rough Draft of my Story of life and how I am Trapped!
Well the Begining would have to Start with My realtionship! I have a Beloved, whom Adores me. His name will be Matt, and this beloved of mine Happens to Give me The Best and the Worst of the realtionship world.. Is it enough to Stay you be the Judge and Let me know.. Help me Balance this challenge!
Matt has giving me the world of material, I Have the House I Dreamed of,I have the 4 Dogs and 2 ferrets who Give me Undivided attention, I have the car of my choice and gets me from A to B, I have my Own kitchen the way It should be.. a Big TV, Leather Couch’s just the perfect lil Home if your home is of materialistic items! Now the Down fall to this perfect lil House/Home, I am not alowed to Decorate, for I fail to have Matching Techique, I a not alowed to Use shoes in the house for I do not Clean it, I have many, many Rules for being the Almost Wife Title, I am not alowed to Do Much if anything, Tho My Matt wont Say your not Alowed in a verbal Sence but i Feel the Tention when I ask if I can do somthing..
There is No money for Extra things in my eyes but He assures i Need not worry about The bills.. it is being taken care of,i need not worry about cleaning it is already done, because I wouldnt have done it anyway. Dont worry I am supoosed to do, is Not Worry But when I get the Mail and Someing is LATE and I question about it, Its ok,, dont worry is all i tend to hear.. And I wonder what money is going to pay for this, we dont have the money for bills but yet he can afford to venture a walmart and spend over $100 in things we dont really need, but yet a bill is being taken care of and no money is visiable…
Matt does most the work around this house,He cleans and Yells at me for not cleaning, He feeds the dogs and i get yelled at for not feeding the dogs, he makes a Mess but I am Not alowed to make any mess for i Wont clean it up.. I dont make promises to myself no longer for the mere fact He will put me down and not alow me to Succeed in my Goal, with no help of his Voice, with no hugs and kisses from him, I feel Low to the Ground, useless and always a mess, I am lost and stuck in a cloud, of do I stay or do I go.. I have it better then I ever have. I have everything I need, I have perfection! How do I deal with The Good and remove the Bad.. do I remove the Man? Then how am i to Cope with bills and responsability? he manages it all, I wont have to Worry, If he is gone I will Panic, I panic just Thinking about it! Do I deal with the Touture of Yelling and Breaking Things for Pure Anger? I am the one who Cause the Anger to begin with, for not doing somthing he already has Done!
Expecting me to Clean a Mess already Cleaned up, Yelling at me to do somthing already Finsished.. Breaking a Glass because I told him No, I attempt to Break and All Hell Breaks Loose? How can I Fix the problem? I tryed and tryed to do what I could and Nothing Is Working! Wanting so much more then I asked for or that I have?
I want more but not of the things is he Providing, I want to be Loved and he loves me just not in a way i feel it. He loves me and takes me to dinner buys a movie and hugs me for the time. As the Night progress He fails to kiss me Goodnight before bed. At home we Sit and Rot, At home we do nothing but Fight, At home we hate the feeling we vent,, at home is the place we dont get along.. outside we strike a pose and fake it.. everything is Good and fine, Everything is Just Right.. And again on the way home the yelling starts and the fight begins..I dont know How much Longer I can Deal! I dont knwo how to Act anymore! I am Losing my Mind and somtimes I feel like my Mind is not Mine… He controls my life more like he Is My Life, Matt is the person Who I should be with for every, He looks after me and looks out for me, tells me when i am Wrong and lets me know when I need to Do somthing! He pays the bills and Makes things work, he fixes the house up for our liking.. He just dont know how to Work a realtionship..
So am Asking your What can/should I Do with the Worlds I am Stuck in.. So I change my self and Venture out with no Safety Net of comfort.. Or do I dwell in the world os him and alow myself to just Sink in and just Be? I dont know what i am Going to do or when I am going to make the transaction to the Next Step..
Well the Begining would have to Start with My realtionship! I have a Beloved, whom Adores me. His name will be Matt, and this beloved of mine Happens to Give me The Best and the Worst of the realtionship world.. Is it enough to Stay you be the Judge and Let me know.. Help me Balance this challenge!
Matt has giving me the world of material, I Have the House I Dreamed of,I have the 4 Dogs and 2 ferrets who Give me Undivided attention, I have the car of my choice and gets me from A to B, I have my Own kitchen the way It should be.. a Big TV, Leather Couch’s just the perfect lil Home if your home is of materialistic items! Now the Down fall to this perfect lil House/Home, I am not alowed to Decorate, for I fail to have Matching Techique, I a not alowed to Use shoes in the house for I do not Clean it, I have many, many Rules for being the Almost Wife Title, I am not alowed to Do Much if anything, Tho My Matt wont Say your not Alowed in a verbal Sence but i Feel the Tention when I ask if I can do somthing..
There is No money for Extra things in my eyes but He assures i Need not worry about The bills.. it is being taken care of,i need not worry about cleaning it is already done, because I wouldnt have done it anyway. Dont worry I am supoosed to do, is Not Worry But when I get the Mail and Someing is LATE and I question about it, Its ok,, dont worry is all i tend to hear.. And I wonder what money is going to pay for this, we dont have the money for bills but yet he can afford to venture a walmart and spend over $100 in things we dont really need, but yet a bill is being taken care of and no money is visiable…
Matt does most the work around this house,He cleans and Yells at me for not cleaning, He feeds the dogs and i get yelled at for not feeding the dogs, he makes a Mess but I am Not alowed to make any mess for i Wont clean it up.. I dont make promises to myself no longer for the mere fact He will put me down and not alow me to Succeed in my Goal, with no help of his Voice, with no hugs and kisses from him, I feel Low to the Ground, useless and always a mess, I am lost and stuck in a cloud, of do I stay or do I go.. I have it better then I ever have. I have everything I need, I have perfection! How do I deal with The Good and remove the Bad.. do I remove the Man? Then how am i to Cope with bills and responsability? he manages it all, I wont have to Worry, If he is gone I will Panic, I panic just Thinking about it! Do I deal with the Touture of Yelling and Breaking Things for Pure Anger? I am the one who Cause the Anger to begin with, for not doing somthing he already has Done!
Expecting me to Clean a Mess already Cleaned up, Yelling at me to do somthing already Finsished.. Breaking a Glass because I told him No, I attempt to Break and All Hell Breaks Loose? How can I Fix the problem? I tryed and tryed to do what I could and Nothing Is Working! Wanting so much more then I asked for or that I have?
I want more but not of the things is he Providing, I want to be Loved and he loves me just not in a way i feel it. He loves me and takes me to dinner buys a movie and hugs me for the time. As the Night progress He fails to kiss me Goodnight before bed. At home we Sit and Rot, At home we do nothing but Fight, At home we hate the feeling we vent,, at home is the place we dont get along.. outside we strike a pose and fake it.. everything is Good and fine, Everything is Just Right.. And again on the way home the yelling starts and the fight begins..I dont know How much Longer I can Deal! I dont knwo how to Act anymore! I am Losing my Mind and somtimes I feel like my Mind is not Mine… He controls my life more like he Is My Life, Matt is the person Who I should be with for every, He looks after me and looks out for me, tells me when i am Wrong and lets me know when I need to Do somthing! He pays the bills and Makes things work, he fixes the house up for our liking.. He just dont know how to Work a realtionship..
So am Asking your What can/should I Do with the Worlds I am Stuck in.. So I change my self and Venture out with no Safety Net of comfort.. Or do I dwell in the world os him and alow myself to just Sink in and just Be? I dont know what i am Going to do or when I am going to make the transaction to the Next Step..
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Thoughts on journalism, ect.
Lately, i have been thinking about this whole journalism idea. I know i like writing, but do i have what it takes to get in the real world and talk about it? i see magazines, and newspapers all the time. I see what they talk about and the questions they ask its like a reporter. Are journalist reporters with a diffrent name? maybe. so I am going to make my own few topics then ask the questions get my answers and post my report. i dont know how many people will check it out, maybe millions maybe none. at least i'll have it for myself to go back. wish me luck!
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
My neice paper
Final Draft
Drama,drama,drama! What should I say about drama? Dude, you can say almost anything about drama. Drama is just a word people use explaining or solving problems, causing a problem, and when they have issues. Everyone has drama in their lives and somtimes it's not their drama (like a friend of the family's issues). Drama comes and goes, it's just a part of life and you can't get rid of it. It's just there. So what do you do, when you have drama? That is my question. Well here is one thing I hear from most of the adults in my life; " Just ingore it, you don't need it or stay away from it." . Well, duh, like seriously,hello like I already knew that. What else can they tell me about how to deal with drama.Its kind of hard to listen to that kind of advice when you are stuck in the middle of it, seeing it and listening to it. Drama just comes and goes out of no where and stays forever.
School is a great starting place, It has drama everywhere. Mainly middle school through out highschool maybe even college. Many people are packed in a small area, and of course everyone has their own drama in which they share with you. Then you are stuck with that drama even after you leave school. When you're a teenager like me, who goes to school and gets surrounded by middle school drama. I have seen that there is all different types of drama in middle schools; Bullies, gossip girls,fighing drama, girl drama and boy drama too. All types of drama you can think of. Im not going to name all of it cause theres just to much. It's like no matter where you go it follows you. There is no way to get away from it. I only know this from personal experience!
Dude its like your in one room in a horror movie,show or dream right there in front of it,in it,around it and its like you cant get away from it and it only drives me conpleatly crazy. But what can you do? Well i guess you just try to ignore it and stay away from it the best you can. Thats what i try to do but its like really hard all at the same time. when it comes to you just tell people its non of my bissnus and I dont want any part of it. All it does is make you up set,takes away your consetration,gets you in trouble,causes fights and looses friend ship or reputation. Drama isent cool its just a word for everything you want to start up. im i right or what. Its like totally the truth and dont say its not cause it is. Just remember drama is there and will allways be there where ever you go or do. Just saying. Well thats what i have to say about drama. I really dont know what you have to say about it. It might be the same or diifrent or even kinda the same. Well we all have our diffrent opinions and this is mine and you just either read it or heared it
Drama,drama,drama! What should I say about drama? Dude, you can say almost anything about drama. Drama is just a word people use explaining or solving problems, causing a problem, and when they have issues. Everyone has drama in their lives and somtimes it's not their drama (like a friend of the family's issues). Drama comes and goes, it's just a part of life and you can't get rid of it. It's just there. So what do you do, when you have drama? That is my question. Well here is one thing I hear from most of the adults in my life; " Just ingore it, you don't need it or stay away from it." . Well, duh, like seriously,hello like I already knew that. What else can they tell me about how to deal with drama.Its kind of hard to listen to that kind of advice when you are stuck in the middle of it, seeing it and listening to it. Drama just comes and goes out of no where and stays forever.
School is a great starting place, It has drama everywhere. Mainly middle school through out highschool maybe even college. Many people are packed in a small area, and of course everyone has their own drama in which they share with you. Then you are stuck with that drama even after you leave school. When you're a teenager like me, who goes to school and gets surrounded by middle school drama. I have seen that there is all different types of drama in middle schools; Bullies, gossip girls,fighing drama, girl drama and boy drama too. All types of drama you can think of. Im not going to name all of it cause theres just to much. It's like no matter where you go it follows you. There is no way to get away from it. I only know this from personal experience!
Dude its like your in one room in a horror movie,show or dream right there in front of it,in it,around it and its like you cant get away from it and it only drives me conpleatly crazy. But what can you do? Well i guess you just try to ignore it and stay away from it the best you can. Thats what i try to do but its like really hard all at the same time. when it comes to you just tell people its non of my bissnus and I dont want any part of it. All it does is make you up set,takes away your consetration,gets you in trouble,causes fights and looses friend ship or reputation. Drama isent cool its just a word for everything you want to start up. im i right or what. Its like totally the truth and dont say its not cause it is. Just remember drama is there and will allways be there where ever you go or do. Just saying. Well thats what i have to say about drama. I really dont know what you have to say about it. It might be the same or diifrent or even kinda the same. Well we all have our diffrent opinions and this is mine and you just either read it or heared it
Saturday, May 29, 2010
horrid feelings
Durning the day, things happen.
The morning after the night ended, things happen.
Is there ever a time when thing's don't happen?
Why do bad things happen?
When do good things happen?
How do we make better things happen?
Do I ask to many Questions about things?
Should I be asking better Questions about other things?
Do you ask enough Questions about anything?
I dislike a lot of things, i don't really understand why.
Lots of people like and don't like things.
Did you know things are more then one type?
Yes, it's true, things are Emotions,Feelings,Thoughts,Objects and I include People.
Think about it.. 'It' is a Thing.. its a thought...
Did you Feel that, 'That' is a Thing too, It was an Emotion/Feeling...
Look at this, 'This' is a Thing as well, It is an Object...
Check them out, What is 'Them'? A thing.. a group of people...
So I think about Things all the time.. some say you can't throw people ina thing catorgry but I do, because I just do.. if they aren't things, what are they? just people.. can you say " look at thoes people?" .. well ok I guess you can, I just don't say things like that.
Do you ever wonder why things happen to you?
i wonder too much at times. i try to stop but i can't.. bad habit i think..
The morning after the night ended, things happen.
Is there ever a time when thing's don't happen?
Why do bad things happen?
When do good things happen?
How do we make better things happen?
Do I ask to many Questions about things?
Should I be asking better Questions about other things?
Do you ask enough Questions about anything?
I dislike a lot of things, i don't really understand why.
Lots of people like and don't like things.
Did you know things are more then one type?
Yes, it's true, things are Emotions,Feelings,Thoughts,Objects and I include People.
Think about it.. 'It' is a Thing.. its a thought...
Did you Feel that, 'That' is a Thing too, It was an Emotion/Feeling...
Look at this, 'This' is a Thing as well, It is an Object...
Check them out, What is 'Them'? A thing.. a group of people...
So I think about Things all the time.. some say you can't throw people ina thing catorgry but I do, because I just do.. if they aren't things, what are they? just people.. can you say " look at thoes people?" .. well ok I guess you can, I just don't say things like that.
Do you ever wonder why things happen to you?
i wonder too much at times. i try to stop but i can't.. bad habit i think..
Sunday, May 23, 2010
fun times
learning all about blogging tools is soo cool.. i love it..
i am falling behind in stories my thoughts are going blank or fading..
i dont know what to do..
i am falling behind in stories my thoughts are going blank or fading..
i dont know what to do..
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Writers Block?!?
| Debating on responsibility | Thinking about consequences |
| What to do? | When to do it? |
I am Learning new features!
This is Soo neat! but i might take this down after i get the hang of things!
My Niece and her first communion
So this is my Niece, she is 14 in this photograph. I love her with all my heart
She just got her first communion completed, she is preparing for her sweet 15. in Mexican terms its called a quincearea (how ever its spelled)
I thought this was a perfect moment to be captured. She is pure and is waiting till her wedding night! I give her Props! wouldn’t you?
Saturday, May 1, 2010
the lovely web
My goodness talk about a rush.
I was suffering with minor useage of this web world
and I was given a life jacket with the nice price of cash
This is the moment i have been longing for a while
Today marks day one of this road in which i can follow some current goals!
i do believe this is worth the WAIT
ps not only did this grand day come on with web access i got a mobile as well
I feel like i SCORED
I was suffering with minor useage of this web world
and I was given a life jacket with the nice price of cash
This is the moment i have been longing for a while
Today marks day one of this road in which i can follow some current goals!
i do believe this is worth the WAIT
ps not only did this grand day come on with web access i got a mobile as well
I feel like i SCORED
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Awake in the dark
Ever wake up in the middle of the night?
There is that creepy shadow lurking around, what do you do?
Been a few nights when I wake up and am surrounded by darkness
I hallucinate many things, know fully well that nothing is there.
The boogey-man feels around, what is a boogey-man anyway?
I flip on the light and go to the bathroom, I reassure myself that I am ok!
I can't look in to a mirror at this time of night afraid of what I'll see, even if it is nothing.
Morning sun re-awakes me, and I feel exhausted.
There is that creepy shadow lurking around, what do you do?
Been a few nights when I wake up and am surrounded by darkness
I hallucinate many things, know fully well that nothing is there.
The boogey-man feels around, what is a boogey-man anyway?
I flip on the light and go to the bathroom, I reassure myself that I am ok!
I can't look in to a mirror at this time of night afraid of what I'll see, even if it is nothing.
Morning sun re-awakes me, and I feel exhausted.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Daily
Thinking about. Wondering open minded.
Teaching the world what is in my head.
I enjoy learning the lesson of the day whatever that may be
someday will be my day
and on the day i will find the world
in peace.
Thinking alone, writing my thoughts
easy they come.
Typing is simpler then using a pen and paper anymore
I am going to go
but leave you with this thought...
What is the world waiting for?!?!
Teaching the world what is in my head.
I enjoy learning the lesson of the day whatever that may be
someday will be my day
and on the day i will find the world
in peace.
Thinking alone, writing my thoughts
easy they come.
Typing is simpler then using a pen and paper anymore
I am going to go
but leave you with this thought...
What is the world waiting for?!?!
Monday, April 19, 2010
Old vacation
This summer vacation was not the best vacation I have had
I went to California to gather some things to bring back
On the way back we brought my mom
She helped me drive and drove us nuts on the road
When we arrived, unloaded the car then settle in for a long rest
The first few days were getting things back to normal
My mom enjoys pestering.
Within a week she had a mild heart attack
We took her to the hospital things were looking good
During a routine stress test the results came out abnormal
They rushed her to a bigger hospital
She spent a total of 4 nights in hospitals and ended up with surgery
The doctor replaced a stent a pervious doctor had put in
She got released
Back to our house she went
During all the hospital trips, she was scheduled to depart by air to Texas
Things got turned upside down and a new plane ticket was issued
She left Washington on the 11th of July and arrived in Texas the same day
Also while this was happening
My sister and I got in to a strong argument
I almost lost my place of living
I arranged to get back in therapy
Things are still rocky but better then before
That is my vacation, how was yours?
I went to California to gather some things to bring back
On the way back we brought my mom
She helped me drive and drove us nuts on the road
When we arrived, unloaded the car then settle in for a long rest
The first few days were getting things back to normal
My mom enjoys pestering.
Within a week she had a mild heart attack
We took her to the hospital things were looking good
During a routine stress test the results came out abnormal
They rushed her to a bigger hospital
She spent a total of 4 nights in hospitals and ended up with surgery
The doctor replaced a stent a pervious doctor had put in
She got released
Back to our house she went
During all the hospital trips, she was scheduled to depart by air to Texas
Things got turned upside down and a new plane ticket was issued
She left Washington on the 11th of July and arrived in Texas the same day
Also while this was happening
My sister and I got in to a strong argument
I almost lost my place of living
I arranged to get back in therapy
Things are still rocky but better then before
That is my vacation, how was yours?
Discovery
If there was a new discovery to be made, I would want it to be The Domesticated Panther; a way for Wild Panthers to become a household pet. Being a wild animal it would take a serious person because domesticating animals is no laughing matter. Training would require plenty of time and patience. A good age to start training a cub would be 5-6 weeks.
I would start researching the history of the panther at the zoo. Some things I would look for are traits inherited from adult panthers, strange illnesses, and other sickness which could be a problem in the future. During the Zoo visit, I would inquire about the exercise routine and length given to the panthers so that I could have an idea as to what size property and time frame I would need. In asking about the routines in feeding I would note what type of food they supply for the wild cats, and how the feeders greet the animal during that time.
A few problems that may arise during the training process are, socializing with other animals & humans, feeding habits, teething, and potty training. I would declaw the panther at an early stage so that my home would remain intact while the day went on. Not to mention I would also spay or neuter the wild cat.
One great benefit that would make me want to discover this is the exotic nature of the panther that could be trained to be guard cat, but could also be a friendly household kitty in the morning, during the day, and even at night if it slept in the house.
I would start researching the history of the panther at the zoo. Some things I would look for are traits inherited from adult panthers, strange illnesses, and other sickness which could be a problem in the future. During the Zoo visit, I would inquire about the exercise routine and length given to the panthers so that I could have an idea as to what size property and time frame I would need. In asking about the routines in feeding I would note what type of food they supply for the wild cats, and how the feeders greet the animal during that time.
A few problems that may arise during the training process are, socializing with other animals & humans, feeding habits, teething, and potty training. I would declaw the panther at an early stage so that my home would remain intact while the day went on. Not to mention I would also spay or neuter the wild cat.
One great benefit that would make me want to discover this is the exotic nature of the panther that could be trained to be guard cat, but could also be a friendly household kitty in the morning, during the day, and even at night if it slept in the house.
Thoughts on Spring
The last few years were filled with new experiences. I am finding out what a wild flower I have become. I have come from many different settings and situations, and I have been trying to land in that one special garden. The sun has yet to shine, but there’s still time, so there’s no sense in rushing. Rainy days have greeted me all winter, and I am looking forward to this spring where I can enjoy the sunshine and feel the warmth.
From seedling to now I have made my choices and they are blossoming in to my life so peacefully. I look back and realize my life is how it should be for right now. I am still growing and learning everyday.
From seedling to now I have made my choices and they are blossoming in to my life so peacefully. I look back and realize my life is how it should be for right now. I am still growing and learning everyday.
Home Town
Lancaster expands
Wasteland and City Like
BBQ’s Aroma so Thick you Savor
Loud Music in Cars, Midnight Races, Suddenly sirens
Nosey Neighbors, Reckless Teens and Shouting Parents, Night Guards Watching
The Pregnancy of Friends, Enjoyment of New babies, Cassidy, Kiah, and Starla
While Friends become Parents, you take Part in New Lives, such Innocence
Someday, My Time will be to join the Parenting Crowd
The Friend of a Lifetime, Coti, will Help
Life is completed in many ways
Daily Summer Sun Blaze
Expanding Lancaster
Wasteland and City Like
BBQ’s Aroma so Thick you Savor
Loud Music in Cars, Midnight Races, Suddenly sirens
Nosey Neighbors, Reckless Teens and Shouting Parents, Night Guards Watching
The Pregnancy of Friends, Enjoyment of New babies, Cassidy, Kiah, and Starla
While Friends become Parents, you take Part in New Lives, such Innocence
Someday, My Time will be to join the Parenting Crowd
The Friend of a Lifetime, Coti, will Help
Life is completed in many ways
Daily Summer Sun Blaze
Expanding Lancaster
Never ashamed of counseling
I have had the pleasure of being in therapy for over 10yrs.
I believe that it is the goal to life, and it should be viewed as helpful not 'oh she's crazy she goes to therapy".
Things haven't been very great to me over the last 10years so I have been benefitting from counseling; it's a great resource to have that special someone to talk to. When you have someone that can understand your issues and has a degree to help you out, why not use them as a tool to help you work through those things!
A few of my friends have always looked at me awkwardly, saying "what do you need them for, I am here for you" or they would say "what do you learn; you don't look like you have many problems". One thing I can tell you 'never judge a book by its cover' because once you do the impression is mostly wrong. I, myself don't look like I have issues but I do. They aren't the kind that stick out and look obvious, I don't have any tumors or scars that are exposed and that are my issue no... it's deeper then that, maybe there are many people in the world who have issues that are not yelling out the window "look at me".
So when people mention "I think I need help" I often tell them about therapy and how good it's treated me. Sharing my story helps other get over the stigmata or the stereo-type of therapy patients.
My family
At first they didn't like the idea I was the second person to attend counseling. The first was my aunt and her problem was shared among the family she had 2 children in prison, so she had a 'good reason' to get help. They said she was depressed because her kids were gone and she was left with a guilty feeling being the bad mom ect... I on the other hand did not have an issue so extreme; they couldn't find a way to cope with my reason. Since I was little I always had issues with; homework, school, friends, my mom. There are many things that my family couldn't understand I didn't expect them too. My grandpa has depression and grew up with severe anger issues but he never attended any kind of therapy. So issues run in my family I am sure it runs around everywhere just have to look a bit harder.
It's never to late to get help. I recommend anyone to talk to someone about any problem they have. Talking helps, even if its just a little chit-chatting here and there...
I believe that it is the goal to life, and it should be viewed as helpful not 'oh she's crazy she goes to therapy".
Things haven't been very great to me over the last 10years so I have been benefitting from counseling; it's a great resource to have that special someone to talk to. When you have someone that can understand your issues and has a degree to help you out, why not use them as a tool to help you work through those things!
A few of my friends have always looked at me awkwardly, saying "what do you need them for, I am here for you" or they would say "what do you learn; you don't look like you have many problems". One thing I can tell you 'never judge a book by its cover' because once you do the impression is mostly wrong. I, myself don't look like I have issues but I do. They aren't the kind that stick out and look obvious, I don't have any tumors or scars that are exposed and that are my issue no... it's deeper then that, maybe there are many people in the world who have issues that are not yelling out the window "look at me".
So when people mention "I think I need help" I often tell them about therapy and how good it's treated me. Sharing my story helps other get over the stigmata or the stereo-type of therapy patients.
My family
At first they didn't like the idea I was the second person to attend counseling. The first was my aunt and her problem was shared among the family she had 2 children in prison, so she had a 'good reason' to get help. They said she was depressed because her kids were gone and she was left with a guilty feeling being the bad mom ect... I on the other hand did not have an issue so extreme; they couldn't find a way to cope with my reason. Since I was little I always had issues with; homework, school, friends, my mom. There are many things that my family couldn't understand I didn't expect them too. My grandpa has depression and grew up with severe anger issues but he never attended any kind of therapy. So issues run in my family I am sure it runs around everywhere just have to look a bit harder.
It's never to late to get help. I recommend anyone to talk to someone about any problem they have. Talking helps, even if its just a little chit-chatting here and there...
Dreams
Interesting
That the days that pass me by
Thinking about things unchanged
Imagine life if it were all a ‘new
Ideas that flood my brain
-All bunched up & unable to understand-
It’s been a while
Since my paper thoughts were worth reading
Wonderful feeling being noticed for these precious words
New daily dreams appear and I enjoy reliving them
Life was always so chaotic now seem to mellow
Minor bursts of craziness
There still time for a mid-summer nap
Always noticing bad things trying to avoid the good
Annoying habits get corrected only when words get spoken
Wondering what’s in store for me next
Massive goals are presented just within reach what is stopping me from taking them and moving on
Traveling
New places wait to greet me
Yet I am afraid to journey alone
Comfort is what I seek this comfort is a need
Perfect world is non-existent
I will daydream until this void is complete
Weather be sun or rain
I will dream & in this dream I will be.
That the days that pass me by
Thinking about things unchanged
Imagine life if it were all a ‘new
Ideas that flood my brain
-All bunched up & unable to understand-
It’s been a while
Since my paper thoughts were worth reading
Wonderful feeling being noticed for these precious words
New daily dreams appear and I enjoy reliving them
Life was always so chaotic now seem to mellow
Minor bursts of craziness
There still time for a mid-summer nap
Always noticing bad things trying to avoid the good
Annoying habits get corrected only when words get spoken
Wondering what’s in store for me next
Massive goals are presented just within reach what is stopping me from taking them and moving on
Traveling
New places wait to greet me
Yet I am afraid to journey alone
Comfort is what I seek this comfort is a need
Perfect world is non-existent
I will daydream until this void is complete
Weather be sun or rain
I will dream & in this dream I will be.
Mini-Traveling
California, Mexico, Boston & Washington
These are places I have lived, some for not very long others for many years. Plenty of memories were made in these places. A few were sad, some her exciting, and some were just humble. Here is where I’ll begin to share a couple of them with you.
California, this state was where I was born and mostly raised with few trips to other places I mainly grew up in the southern part of California. This was the first place I started my life, by walking, talking, & growing. I have lived in California for over 18years with a few months here and there of a ‘living’ vacation in another place. In the 18+ years I have been there I grew in to a young lady, with the boyfriend experiences, and school attendance issues. This place was where I learned my lesson in shoplifting. Living in California I learned several things including how to ride a bike, swim, and attempt to enjoy life.
Mexico, this country was a new experience at age 6. I was found to be the rich kid in town. I had many friends I attended school for one and a half years. I lived in a decent little house on a hill, but that’s not where I first lived in Mexico. My first temporary housing situation was in a tent in an unfinished built house, it had no windows, and no doors, not even a floor, only one of dirt. It was very dirty; we used a camping stove and walked up pails of water to bathe with. This was a strange place to live. The whole town knew each other, people didn’t mind leaning about one another, and they were all so friendly.
Boston, now this place was a large city; I didn’t live in the downtown part of it but pretty close. Quincy was the town I lived in; it had a bus system like no other place I have seen. The train ran every 10 or so minutes and you could catch it to anywhere in the city. In downtown Boston, you could walk to a few train stops or ride the train to the same spot. Taxis were everywhere you turned. I never really got a chance to ‘yell’ for a taxi but I wanted to. Living in Boston was very interesting, the kind of people you saw, and the different races all surviving the big city together. I really was in a different environment there.
Washington is this green, tree infested land. Walk out your door and get lost in the woods. The town of Shelton is simple and sweet. The people are pretty nice, and helpful. I learn many things being in new places and I tell you this is a good peaceful place to be learning about anything. The air is so clean, and the smell is fresh. The bus line for the county is free; not very often you get a free ride around town. The roads are easy to get in to and out of own, one main highway to the city. Given there are many freeways to take you to other places. Life out there seems relaxing, even the city is nice to be in. Living in Washington is different just like any other place, the only difference is the air seems alive with plant life, the cars are the same like any other state, but I guess with all the trees the air gets filtered daily.
These are places I have lived, some for not very long others for many years. Plenty of memories were made in these places. A few were sad, some her exciting, and some were just humble. Here is where I’ll begin to share a couple of them with you.
California, this state was where I was born and mostly raised with few trips to other places I mainly grew up in the southern part of California. This was the first place I started my life, by walking, talking, & growing. I have lived in California for over 18years with a few months here and there of a ‘living’ vacation in another place. In the 18+ years I have been there I grew in to a young lady, with the boyfriend experiences, and school attendance issues. This place was where I learned my lesson in shoplifting. Living in California I learned several things including how to ride a bike, swim, and attempt to enjoy life.
Mexico, this country was a new experience at age 6. I was found to be the rich kid in town. I had many friends I attended school for one and a half years. I lived in a decent little house on a hill, but that’s not where I first lived in Mexico. My first temporary housing situation was in a tent in an unfinished built house, it had no windows, and no doors, not even a floor, only one of dirt. It was very dirty; we used a camping stove and walked up pails of water to bathe with. This was a strange place to live. The whole town knew each other, people didn’t mind leaning about one another, and they were all so friendly.
Boston, now this place was a large city; I didn’t live in the downtown part of it but pretty close. Quincy was the town I lived in; it had a bus system like no other place I have seen. The train ran every 10 or so minutes and you could catch it to anywhere in the city. In downtown Boston, you could walk to a few train stops or ride the train to the same spot. Taxis were everywhere you turned. I never really got a chance to ‘yell’ for a taxi but I wanted to. Living in Boston was very interesting, the kind of people you saw, and the different races all surviving the big city together. I really was in a different environment there.
Washington is this green, tree infested land. Walk out your door and get lost in the woods. The town of Shelton is simple and sweet. The people are pretty nice, and helpful. I learn many things being in new places and I tell you this is a good peaceful place to be learning about anything. The air is so clean, and the smell is fresh. The bus line for the county is free; not very often you get a free ride around town. The roads are easy to get in to and out of own, one main highway to the city. Given there are many freeways to take you to other places. Life out there seems relaxing, even the city is nice to be in. Living in Washington is different just like any other place, the only difference is the air seems alive with plant life, the cars are the same like any other state, but I guess with all the trees the air gets filtered daily.
Driving Experience
A time I first learned to do something was when I was 16 ½ yrs old.
It was in a car, I was learning to drive a stick-shift. At first it was very hard, and scary. There was a time where I drove up to an intersection as I was approaching, the light turned red. I panicked and tried to remember what to do, the car freaked since I didn’t react as needed, it stalled. I remember my mom was telling me to just start the car again and my friend in the back was laughing, I was horrified that I couldn’t control my actions quick enough and felt like giving up. The lesson ended and I started to cry still at the red light which was about to turn green I pleaded my mom to take over. The friend in the back wanted to give it a try but I was angry and upset that I couldn’t do it and he shouldn’t try either. My mom drove us both home…
That whole year I practiced driving more, and more I got better at it and finally got the hang of it. The week of my driver’s test my mom’s car was out of commission, I was nervous the car would not be back in time for my test. The day of the test, her car was still not back, so I asked another friend if I could barrow her car for the test and she Okayed it. I was not used to her car, it was big and square, the seats were lower and the dash board was longer. During the test all was going well until I needed to come to a complete stop (her breaks weren’t great) I failed to look in to a blind spot and I didn’t stop enough and I failed.It was in a car, I was learning to drive a stick-shift. At first it was very hard, and scary. There was a time where I drove up to an intersection as I was approaching, the light turned red. I panicked and tried to remember what to do, the car freaked since I didn’t react as needed, it stalled. I remember my mom was telling me to just start the car again and my friend in the back was laughing, I was horrified that I couldn’t control my actions quick enough and felt like giving up. The lesson ended and I started to cry still at the red light which was about to turn green I pleaded my mom to take over. The friend in the back wanted to give it a try but I was angry and upset that I couldn’t do it and he shouldn’t try either. My mom drove us both home…
I learned if its something important and it won’t work right away just be patient and things will eventually work out. If I wasn’t rushing the test and waited for my moms car to return I probably would have passed with flying colors, since the next time I took the test I had the car I practiced with and I was familiar with it, I had no issues stopping or shifting everything went swell.
The day I got my license it was the best feeling in the world, it meant I did something all by myself. It took a little time but it was worth the wait!
So I went threw many feelings. Scared, nervous, angry, upset, excited, and finally proud!
LISA - Whom I admire
I admire my sister Lisa. She lives is California, with her family. She has been a great role model for me while I was going through some things. I found that I care about her well being more then I showed.
My sister and I never really grew up together; she lived with my grandmother while I stayed at home with my mom. Besides the eight year age gap, she was usually busy with school, or working, but she attempted to make time for me when she could. During the short time period before adulthood, we managed to have several heated moments as well as many arguments but somehow we survived.
As she got older things begun to change, Lisa graduated high school and got a better job, and fell in love. While watching her steps, she made major discussions involving her new life as an adult. I was growing just as she was but not as fast, then again I was still much younger and in being young I didn’t know how to accept change.
After many years of growing and learning about change myself, I found a new type of connection with Lisa. I used to say the word ‘hate’ very often when she was around always vowing to never be like her, but deep down inside I found that I envy her and always wish I could have taken the steps as carefully as she did, to follow her lead as she offered it rather then to put all my energy to avoid it. I sometimes still imagined what I could have been like if I were to have followed her lead before I got hit with the detour that has brought me to where I stand.
Some things I think about when her name is mentioned are; family, friendship, love and trust. Those subjects are what matter most. Being family the quality of friendship is natural and being closer is even better. Lisa and I are not as close as some, but I have noticed that distance brings more closeness then being down the street. Living that close you won’t find much change and wouldn’t enjoy the time spent talking to each other as much, as if you were to live further away and create new moments everyday that you could share. I’d find that you may enjoy the conversation much more if there were new things to discuss.
My sister and I never really grew up together; she lived with my grandmother while I stayed at home with my mom. Besides the eight year age gap, she was usually busy with school, or working, but she attempted to make time for me when she could. During the short time period before adulthood, we managed to have several heated moments as well as many arguments but somehow we survived.
As she got older things begun to change, Lisa graduated high school and got a better job, and fell in love. While watching her steps, she made major discussions involving her new life as an adult. I was growing just as she was but not as fast, then again I was still much younger and in being young I didn’t know how to accept change.
After many years of growing and learning about change myself, I found a new type of connection with Lisa. I used to say the word ‘hate’ very often when she was around always vowing to never be like her, but deep down inside I found that I envy her and always wish I could have taken the steps as carefully as she did, to follow her lead as she offered it rather then to put all my energy to avoid it. I sometimes still imagined what I could have been like if I were to have followed her lead before I got hit with the detour that has brought me to where I stand.
Treasured
Something I treasured as a child was always my ‘little black book’.
It was something I really enjoy carrying around, because it was unlike a diary more of a book of my own feelings that I wanted to share with others. I started creating my writings at an early age (about 11).
It all started in 5th grade with my teacher Mr. Berlin. He was a great class leader he taught all subjects, but the one I favored most was writing. There were plenty of things to learn threw this teacher, how to make a boring essay in to something creative and helped me try to develop my ideas in to something to write about. I don’t think I ever had a tough time thinking about things to write about it was more like how to put them on paper, so I started my ‘little black book’. Everything I wrote in that book was not spelled correct nor had proper punctuation, but it had meaning. What more can you ask for, a simple book to enjoy my creativity. This book was blank paper, with no lines so if I wanted to create a masterpiece of art it was ok.
My ‘little black book’ became my obsession. I was not judged in anyway, unless I allowed myself to be subject to judgments by sharing my thoughts on paper in this book. What I came to find was that my thoughts in this book showed a side of me unexposed to my peers, and let them see an inner piece of me. Most of all the feed back I received after sharing this side of me was positive. I was never really nervous when I allowed someone to read my work, I was just happy enough to have someone find interest in what I had to talk about. Something as simple as a picture of rain while riding the greyhound visiting some place new, had a huge meaning.
A few things I wrote about were relationships, those were the scariest things to express because I never knew how they would turn out and mostly I used pen so I couldn’t erase very easily. Honestly I don’t think I really took the time to re-read my own writings, I just wrote and forgot until someone asked about this little book I carried. So many memories are stored in that book, locked up in storage for the mean time collecting dust; just waiting for someone to open it up and read threw my past and possibly in to my future.
It was something I really enjoy carrying around, because it was unlike a diary more of a book of my own feelings that I wanted to share with others. I started creating my writings at an early age (about 11).
It all started in 5th grade with my teacher Mr. Berlin. He was a great class leader he taught all subjects, but the one I favored most was writing. There were plenty of things to learn threw this teacher, how to make a boring essay in to something creative and helped me try to develop my ideas in to something to write about. I don’t think I ever had a tough time thinking about things to write about it was more like how to put them on paper, so I started my ‘little black book’. Everything I wrote in that book was not spelled correct nor had proper punctuation, but it had meaning. What more can you ask for, a simple book to enjoy my creativity. This book was blank paper, with no lines so if I wanted to create a masterpiece of art it was ok.
My ‘little black book’ became my obsession. I was not judged in anyway, unless I allowed myself to be subject to judgments by sharing my thoughts on paper in this book. What I came to find was that my thoughts in this book showed a side of me unexposed to my peers, and let them see an inner piece of me. Most of all the feed back I received after sharing this side of me was positive. I was never really nervous when I allowed someone to read my work, I was just happy enough to have someone find interest in what I had to talk about. Something as simple as a picture of rain while riding the greyhound visiting some place new, had a huge meaning.
A few things I wrote about were relationships, those were the scariest things to express because I never knew how they would turn out and mostly I used pen so I couldn’t erase very easily. Honestly I don’t think I really took the time to re-read my own writings, I just wrote and forgot until someone asked about this little book I carried. So many memories are stored in that book, locked up in storage for the mean time collecting dust; just waiting for someone to open it up and read threw my past and possibly in to my future.
My Name
My name is not very common, my mom was in a phase and my father had no choice in the matter. My name came from a movie star although I am no movie star. Audrey is my first name. My father’s heritage lies on the Mexican border and Vasquez is my last name before I take a married name.
My dream for my future would be to have my ideas & writings, such as Little Black Book published. I’ll begin to make a name for myself by giving you my personally invented quote which helps to begin my legacy, “behind a window I sit & stare, as soon as it opens everything disappears.” But before I get ahead of myself, I’ll need my GED
as my first stepping stone.
I have noticed in this class, I am not alone, during the feeling of my third attempt to get this education. Hopefully third times the charm, also I found that I think more on paper then I do aloud.
Shelton Washington is the current city & state I reside in, though it is not my only home. I’ve lived in sunny California for most my life then moved to the great Boston Massachusetts, there was a city I loved a lot even if it was only one year we shared memories. Mexico was a country I enjoyed while being young when the times grew tough.
The travel-trailer I sleep in is very small for my taste. I have had a much bigger place of my own, but this is what I have now. In this semi-family situation, I still pay my own bills. No children to look after only my dog and my husband-to-be helps look after me
My dream for my future would be to have my ideas & writings, such as Little Black Book published. I’ll begin to make a name for myself by giving you my personally invented quote which helps to begin my legacy, “behind a window I sit & stare, as soon as it opens everything disappears.” But before I get ahead of myself, I’ll need my GED
as my first stepping stone.
I have noticed in this class, I am not alone, during the feeling of my third attempt to get this education. Hopefully third times the charm, also I found that I think more on paper then I do aloud.
Shelton Washington is the current city & state I reside in, though it is not my only home. I’ve lived in sunny California for most my life then moved to the great Boston Massachusetts, there was a city I loved a lot even if it was only one year we shared memories. Mexico was a country I enjoyed while being young when the times grew tough.
The travel-trailer I sleep in is very small for my taste. I have had a much bigger place of my own, but this is what I have now. In this semi-family situation, I still pay my own bills. No children to look after only my dog and my husband-to-be helps look after me
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